Unfit To Print

How the americas will break up in the zombiepocalypse...

2008-11-25T09:09:00.003-05:00

He predicted that the U.S. will break up into six parts - the Pacific coast, with its growing Chinese population; the South, with its Hispanics; Texas, where independence movements are on the rise; the Atlantic coast, with its distinct and separate mentality; five of the poorer central states with their large Native American populations; and the northern states, where the influence from Canada is strong.

I didn't know Canada had strong influence ANYWHERE, let alone in the northwest territories. All I know is, I'll get stuck with socialized medicine with Obama, or I'll get stuck with socialized medicine with the zombie invasion.

Second, WHAT Texas independence movement? The rest of the country has been trying to get rid of Texas for years, but they still strut all over the place talking about how the "Lone Star Republic" is so much better while never seceeding. Kind of like a teenager who demands to stay out all night but whines about getting a summer job.

And screw Kalifornia.

But I know where this man gets his data... Crimson Skies. A flying video game where pirates attack parts of the former US from zeppelins. Here's the map from the game:
This guy plagiarized a video game as a justification for Russian imperialism. Balls. The man has balls.

Original Article

What do John McCain and Ted Kennedy Have In Common?

2008-05-22T06:59:00.004-04:00

Cancer.

Two screwed up stories

2008-04-17T10:00:00.002-04:00

Abortion a Go Go

I couldn't make that shit up. A woman impregnates herself and gives herself abortions while on camera, and uses the film (and blood) in an art exhibit. Nice.

Smokin Hot Babies

I could make that shit up, but it's easier just to link it. Baby's first blunt. Stay Classy

GTA Overachiever

2008-04-15T11:50:00.002-04:00

My my my... when this young man found GTA III too easy, he decided to try a game with a little more challenge... that is, real cars and police. The kid played for two hours before finally being caught by police.

His score has yet to be released by authorities.

Nick's Modest Proposal

2008-04-04T16:36:00.002-04:00

Although to come back to cannibalism, we do spend an exhorbitant amount of resources on the feeding and conditioning of human beings when, at death, the body of which is disposed of to additional cost. I venture to say that the human body is the most wasted renewable resource we have today, and it's disgusting to keep filling valuable land with cemeteries, and burning precious fossil fuels for cremation, not to mention the carbon footprint that cremation leaves. Consider the commodities that can be made from human recycling, from direct organ transfer to dietary supplements, clothing products, hygiene products, various industrial applications that we already use the excess farm animal organic waste for.

Yes, it's quite possible that cannibalism, among other human recycling projects, just might be the most green thing someone can do on an individual level.

Ted Turner

2008-04-04T09:36:00.004-04:00

I lost a PC, and had some trouble getting things back in order. Well, here we try again

Ted Turner sees a future where

"Most of the people will have died and the rest of us will be cannibals,"

MMMM..... Soylent Green. I like it.
Remember, every Tuesday is Soylent Green Day!

"We're too many people; that's why we have global warming."

Yeah, I saw this one already. Good movie.

"I've gotten a lot better, though. It's been a long time since anybody caught me saying something stupid."

Well maybe Ted, if you stopped digging into the Turner Film Vault and mistaking Hollywood for reality, you wouldn't taste Dr. Scholl's foot powder so often.

For some reason he then switches to military. How the US spends way too much and

"China just wants to sell us shoes. They're not building landing craft to attack the United States, and Russia wants to be our friends, too."

Let me explain something Ted. If the goddamn commies didn't roll over and die in the Cold War, we wouldn't BE spending so much. It's called a power vaccuum. We're paying for it. We don't WANT to pay for it, but the trade lanes have to stay open, and someone has to maintain stabiltiy. But hey, what do people like Tom Barnett know that the Ted Turner Film vault hasn't already solved?

"China just wants to sell us shoes. They're not building landing craft to attack the United States, and Russia wants to be our friends, too"

Hmm, China steals military secrets and designs their entire military tech and strategy on an eventual conflict with the US, while the Russians resume strategic flights over the arctic and buzz our naval fleets with bombers.

I've seen this one too Ted. Since we're using movies to dictate reality, here's a heads up.

Whatever we do, we can not let Ted Turner watch Red Dawn. The next day he'll be shouting about how we were wrong about the Chinese and the Russians, and the communists are going to invade through Mexico via now-defunct ATA charter flights filled with Russian and Cuban shock paratroopers.

Ted Turner. Leader of American thought and political discourse.

Link

Ears of Presidential Candidates

2007-10-31T09:19:00.001-05:00

Here it is. What began as a trend in 1992 presidential election has now blossomed into full budding earcapades. Presidential candidates ears are getting larger with each election season. What is the cause for this? I can only guess. And that guess has to do with penis size. Anyhow, let's take a look at the latest political trend...

Perot. The man who began it all. Sure, he was a little nutty. Had no party. Yet he received 19% of the popular vote. The only man to do better was the amazing Theodore Roosevelt who received 27% on a third party ticket, and had tiny ears. He, however, had gusto. So was it Perot's message that appealed to voters, or was it something a little more aural?

Fast forward to the 2000 election. The Republican primary. The front runners, Mccain and Bush. McCain has average sized ears, but because of the size of his face they're virtually hidden by those chipmunk cheeks of his. His opponent, however...
His ears may not stick out, but they are a prominent feature of his face and political caricatures.
Is it possible that caricatures like the one pictured above, meant to demean the candidate, actually might have given support in the 2000 race?

Fast forward once more, Bush is ending his final term. Many candidates are not trying to emulate his success in the face of adversity. Let's take a look.

Dennis. My man. Ears like a jumbo jet. He was the first political candidate to fully embrace the big ear political theory. he has met with dismal failure, mostly because people think he's a leprochaun and every time he shows up at a public speaking event they throw him in a cage and demand to know where he keeps his pot o' gold. Still, he's the first candidate to fully understand and implement the big ear strategy in national politics, and deserves recognition for that.

Ron Paul, a relative newcomer to presidential politics, however no newcomer to big ears and insanity. Nothing I like more than a radical conservative who people like to portray with the same imagery as Che Guavera, a mass murdering communist. Irony at its best. Oh, I'm sorry if I'm laying it on too thick. I meant "morons."
What can I say. I'm a traditionalist. Unless Ron Pauls big ears sprout an armed revolution I'm afraid that dog don't hunt. Oh, and if he were to follow in Che's footsteps another little hint to the Ron Paul Revolutionaries... he'd have to fail miserably a few times, and then be executed. Just a heads up.

Obama. Big ears. Women want to have sex with him. Has a major party begging him to stick it in their pooper.
The media focuses on the fact that he's a minority. That there is some secret racist american cabal that will organize massive republican counter votes against him. Personally I've been saying it since he got elected senator, the man has no experience in an administrative position. He never actually won a campaign (anyone who knows the conditions of his election knows what I mean), and his recent performance tends to support that theory. What does he have going for him, that he continues to have such broad appeal? Big ears, baby! Surprisingly his ears seem to have gotten smaller as the campaign progresses. It looks like Obama wants to be seen as a man who can stand on the issues and not on image. This is a mistake, and could be his downfall come primaries. Those dumbo wings of his are all he has going for him at this point. Chicks want him, dudes want to be him. And it's all about his image, his smooth voice, and his smile. And those lovable ears. Those ears could win him the white house if he'll just let them go free...

President admits "Serious Rape Problem" in Iraq Army

2007-07-12T12:45:00.000-04:00

"Well, if you're so smart, what the fuck do you want me to do?" Said the president Thursday at the first press conference since the controversial troop surge began. "And you can't say pull out."

Only a few weeks into the troop surge, media people have claimed that people other than themselves (ie. real people) demand an immediate withdrawal of troops. President Bush, however, is not allowing that option on the table.

"The Iraqi Army is not ready for the responsibility," he said. "We have reports from our soldiers and Marines working side by side that the favorite pastime for the Iraqi military people is raping each other. whole squads of men just gang up on the new guy until he has to get stitches in his asshole. You want to leave the defense of a fledgling democracy up to people with that level of discipline and responsibility?"

"They may be raping each other in the desert," said Helen Thomas, "But it was your choice to go to war and let thousands of our troops watch them rape each other. In fact, it's obviously our fault the Iraqis have descended into forced buggery. Don't you realize how stupid you are?"

"I told the UN to take care of them but those pussies just passed the buck when push came to shove. And they were raping each other long before we showed up. You're stupid."

"No, you're stupid."

The sexual tension between President Bush and Helen Thomas gradually subsided, but the issue remains. Why is it that Iraqi males, at once presented with such machismo and swagger, terrorist and loyalist alike, seem to like to prostitute and rape each other? Is it a greeklike disdain for the opposite sex, a need to assert dominance by reducing another man to that of the opposite sex, or is it plain old we like to fuck assholes.

Only time will tell.

Original Article

Big Brother 8 Week One Update

2007-07-11T23:15:00.000-04:00

Well, Big Brother 8 has been exciting so far this year. The first week has almost come to an end, but there are some things different this year.

In addition to the 24/7 live Internet feed, there is now Big Brother After Dark. BBAD is on Showtime2 every night from 11:00pm- 2:00am every night.

It is a little weird watching the feed nightly because you see things about 2-3 days before the shows (except the live eviction on Thursday nights).

In any case, there are 14 houseguests, 3 of which are "arch enemies" of 3 of the housegests, there is a father and daughter, gay ex-lovers, and high school girl rivals.

This year also brings "America's Choice" where we get to vote online and via text message on tasks that houseguest Eric shall perform, including who he needs to vote out on eviction nite.

Now onto the game play:(for more info or houseguest bios check out the Big Brother site)
There are two alliances, kail, nick, joe, and mike are one alliance. joe, dustin, dick, jameka, danielle, zach and nick are the other alliance.

Kail won head of household and decided to nominate Carol and Amber to the eviction block. Danielle won power of veto and many of the houseguests took that opportunity to work on getting Jen evicted. The house as a whole is tired of Jen. Danielle did not use her veto and Jen was safe from nomination.

With the live evction Thursday, it currently stands that either Carol or Amber will be the 1st housegest evicted from the Big Brother 8 house.

Russian President Vladimir Putin Can Not Smile

2007-07-02T11:03:00.001-04:00

Putin decided to bring a pineapple upside down cake to Kennebunkport, Maine, visiting the Bush family in their old but quaint lodging. Here is a great time for Putin to show his "friendlier side," in fact it's probably mandatory that he crack a smile while on a state vacation. Let's take a look.

Here's George Bush smiling on a fishing trip with Putin."look at me world. I am having so much fun. Oh yes. Fun is my middle name. Next to imprisoning dissent and consolidating absolute power."

Here is Putin with Bush after seeing Ocean's 13:
Isn't he dreamy, girls?

Here is Putin with two American Presidents, being Inagurated into the no-tie club.
Sure, we may be world powers with our fingers on the button of a thousand nuclear warheads, but we also know how to relax. See, he almost cracks a smile here. He knows he should. No tie, tan jacket, country air... hell, the only one wearing a lapel pin is Bush Jr.! Yet he can't raise the corners of his mouth!

Here is President George HW Bush crying as Vladimir Putin chokes his prize winning dog to death in a traditional "Russian Feat of Man vs. Animal."I'll have you note, not even when he's throttling that poor dog does he crack a sadistic smile. You see, the soviets removed part of his brain in the late 70's to make him a more efficient KGB officer. Now this science project has run amock, being elected president by a populace eager for a humorless existence.

And now this monster is unleashed on American soil.

Lock up your wives and daughters people. This one's a lady killer. In every sense of the word.

Original Article

Pathetically Inept Terrorists Terrorize 5 Year Olds In UK

2007-06-30T14:12:00.000-04:00

Ireland: IRA officials laughed their arses off after a series of car bombs, first suspected to be the work of Islamic terrorism, then to be the work of "two fat asian dudes," absolutely failed to terrorize anyone in the United Kingdom.

"We were blowing cars up around there for decades," said Frank O'Bannon, local IRA legend at the legendary IRA recruiting bar "Bloody Mic's" in Chicago. "You think them Muslim fuckers would have followed our example. Instead it looks like a bunch of American teenagers are just out having a good time."

Indeed, the Irish are quite proficient at blowing vehicles up, even getting a drink christened the "Irish Car Bomb," after their incredible prowess.

Even though an entire class of Al Qaeda was graduated and sent to the UK to kill themselves in fiery explosions, it seems their quality of education has gone down considerably since September 11. Iran seems the only state sponsor of terror to get the car bomb correct in the past decade.

"Obviously we had nothing to do with this," Iranian Foriegn Minister Omann declared at a press conference Saturday. "You've seen our work in Iraq. The insurgents are thrilled with the quality and easy to follow instructions that come in every Iranian packaged IED. This... pathetic display in England just proves it's local, christian terrorists, and highlights the decadence of Western Culture that would..." He went on for about twenty minutes.

So just what motivated these terrorists turned high school pranksters? Were they Al Qaeda dropouts? Americans on summer break? Fat Asian dudes who are world renown for their inability to drive? The UK wants to know, because frankly these crimes are too retarded to have a motive.

Original Article

Lessons in Stupidity: Canada

2007-06-29T08:50:00.000-04:00

I know, I know, the subject says enough, but let's dive a little deeper, eh?

Mike Lake, member of Canadian Parliament, has proven himself to be DUMBER than any US Lawmaker in existance. We can now rest assured that we are the nation with the smartest freely elected government on the North American Continent.

Mike Lake, Canadian Parliament lawmaker, who was elected by a majority of fellow Canadians to represent them, thought it would be a good idea to "listen" to his "constituents" by nominating Bigfoot, that lovable guy in a gorilla suit pretending to be an animal and believed by the lunatic fringe to be another species, as endangered Canadian species of the year. Having fully been ridiculed by his peers, Mike Lake tried to pretend it didn't happen.

But it did. He was indeed a jackass.

Thank you, Mike Lake. Without your tireless efforts to make Canada look even more sad and lonely than it really is, with an economy the size of only one of our 50 states and 2/3 of your population crowding against the US border wishing you were one of us, we would never have an english speaking nation in this hemisphere to make fun of.

Original Article

Politicians Can't Count

2007-05-09T09:53:00.000-04:00

"Dude, the Queen looks like, 250 years old."

"Dude, it's so true! Did you hear like, 10 thousand people died somewhere cause of a tornado?"

Politicians can't count.

Violent Crime Spree fueled by Play Doh

2007-05-08T11:58:00.000-04:00

Play-Doh Addiction, characterized by enlarged pupils, short stature and irritating repetition of the word "why," has been indicated in the recent armed robbery of a Milwaukee day care.

The suspects, 8 and 10 years old respectively, broke into the once thought of safe sanctuary for childhood disorders and recovery looking to get a new fix for their addiction.

"They came armed in broad daylight," said police commissioner Thomas Moore. "armed with illegally sawed-off shotguns. According to witness reports they stashed as much Play-Doh as they could into two large bags and left through a rear window. The crime took less than 30 seconds."

A citywide manhunt ensued, resulting in the arrest of the two children. 5 police officers were wounded during the ensuing gunbattle.

Play Doh addiction can last well into adulthood, as depicted in the image above. Lawmakers are now considering a ban on importation and manufacture of new Play-Doh, as well as a phasing out of existing stocks.

Original Article

Sony Sacrifices Goat To Gods For Better PS3 Sales

2007-05-01T14:53:00.000-04:00

In a move that has shocked Wall Street and is worrying rivals such as Microsoft, Sony Electronics has begun public sacrificing of animals in an attempt to boost lagging sales of their flagship gaming platform, the Playstation 3.

"We feel that our prayers will be answered by third quarter of 07," said Ryoji Chubachi, Sony Electronics CEO. "If our sales don't go up, we can always sacrifice a reindeer for the holiday season."

With first quarter's earning down significantly, Wall Street seems to be mixed on just what message the ritual slaughter of animals sends to its shareholders. "It's desperation, pure and simple," charges billionaire Warren Buffet, close friend to competitor Bill Gates. "They see the writing on the wall and start praying to the old gods for some kind of miracle. Well it won't happen. Want to know what really works?" Buffet's eyes twinkled with excitement. "Selling your soul to The Devil. Worked for me and Bill. I just don't see that as an option for Sony Corp now, what with Bill and Satan's conflict of interest clause."

"It's outrageous!" said some random useless member of PITA. "They should have sacrificed a human, at least then you'd be sacrificing something.. I have NO clue what I'm talking about! I just have an irrational hatred for humanity and a love for things that have no sense of self awareness! My life is meaningless! Kill me!"

"We would," said Chubachi when read the PITA representatives remarks. "Unfortunately the law specifically denies Sony Corp's right to kill at this time. However we are hoping to get a dispensation from several companies and someday soon the gods of the Aztecs and other bloodthirsty dieties will be possibilities in our corporate strategy."

Original Article

Chinese Uncover Deadly New Disease

2007-04-30T14:11:00.000-04:00

Chinese officials have unveiled the existence of a new medical threat to humanity, "Adult Sudden Death Syndrome." Mao Qun'an, spokesman for the Ministry of Health, addressed the United Nations Friday in an attempt to inform the world of the threat and to assist in a limited quarantine of China until the infection can be controlled.

The first case of ASDS, or Patient Zero, was Li Chaoyang, 38, a former Judge and resident of Xing'an County Correctional Facility. "Cuts on his face," said Qun'an, "were the first symptoms of this mysterious yet frightening disease. He became mentally unstable, and degenerated physically until multiple wounds appeared on his body, a gash appeared across his lip and some teeth simply disappeared."

Shi Shaosen, a municipal medical expert was present during the progression of Patient Zero's symptoms. "This disease is so awful, it makes you look like you were tortured for hours before being murdered. Only a disease could be so cruel. We've seen remnants of the infected, but Li Chaoyang's sudden death conforms adult sudden death syndrome. Now we have to work on a cure."

China has since requested that all communication, internet access, immigration and foreign imports be suspended while they increase their internal security situation and stave off infection. "It's important that we maintain total isolation in this regard," said Shaosen. "We need to do everything possible to protect the life and health of our citizens, and we just can't do that with the rest of the world watching over our backs."

"There's going to be many, many more bruised and broken corpses before this is over," he said.

Original Article

Hugh Grant Arrested for Attempted Murder

2007-04-26T09:16:00.000-04:00

Hugh Grant. Would Be Murderer. Thwarted today. The world rejoices.

Ian Whittaker was taking a liesurely stroll one Sunday morning, minding his own damn business when Hugh Grant, naked and coated with a thin layer of corn oil burst out from a hedge row.

"It was the most frightening experience of my life," related Whittaker.

Though the attack lasted only moments, the scars will last a lifetime. The can of Heinz Baked Beans Grant was wielding was partially opened, the serrated edge of the opened can slicing its way through Whittaker's delicate flesh, the bean juice spilling over and filling his gaping wounds with the threat of legume infected death. "If it weren't for those neighborhood children, I'd be a goner by now." Indeed, dozens of children flocked to the scene, dancing and playing in the raining beans, thinking it all some horrid joke. The scene so disturbed Grant that he stopped his assault, curled into a ball and began to cry. allowing no one to touch him save neighborhood pets who sensing his sadness, licked the oil and bean juice off his pudgy body.

Though the victim, poor, innocent Ian Whittaker who was not in any way trying to antagonize Grant at all has pursued a civil suit in addition to Grant's assault charges, no one has been able to determine a motive for the attack.

"Totally unprovoked," said Constable Shortcake. "Totally. Sometimes stars just go bonkers and beat the hell out of passerby for no reason. It usually happens in LA, but we never thought this sort of violence would cross the pond. Never in a million years."

Grant has been virtually mute since his arrest, muttering nonsense and continually shedding any clothing officials try to dress him with. In addition, due to the violent nature of the attack Grant has only been allowed Styrofoam plates during his incarceration.

If only we could figure out why Grant chose to attack poor Ian Whittaker, just a hapless bystander on the wrong day of Grant's life.

"I hope they hang 'em," said Whittaker. "Think they'll let me take pictures?"

Original Article

Imus Invents Racism

2007-04-24T11:13:00.000-04:00

NYPD have uncovered the root of all racism on Friday.

"The Imus virus," said Attorney Bonita Zelman.

Bonita Zelman represents Maria Gomez and Karen Nelson, two definitely not nappy headed ho police. Yet somehow the Imus virus has infiltrated the finest police force in the world, simultaneously threatening humanity as we know it and yet shining new light on a previously unknown evil.

The day started out as a normal shift, with Turn Sergeant Mateo laughing, joking, getting people ready for the long day ahead. Mateo even offered the ladies donuts.

"Then he just started twitching," said Steve Pallmer, the night janitor just about to leave the office. "He was just standing there twitching and he suddenly went rigid. That's when I saw it in his eyes. Something wasn't right."

"Sgt. Mateo addressed roll by stating, 'stand up hos,'" Zelman said. "My clients refused to stand. At that time, Officer Montenez stated, 'Sarge, they are not just hos, but nappy-headed hos.'"

Officer Montenez then started vomiting pea soup and stabbing his vagina with a cross.

So far the victims of the virus have been two latino males, and one older white male, all previously exemplary members of their community, yet overnight have been overcome by an affliction so terrible that the words that come out of their mouths, in the words of Karen Nelson: "I was stunned and humiliated almost to the point of disbelief. It was an experience I will never forget."

Those are strong words from a NYPD officer. She must have been really, really stunned to have words hurt her like that.

Doctors are still trying to determine whether the virus is racist or sexist in origin, however most are leaning towards racist due to the overwhelming black leaders who have responded to the crisis.

"Thank god for their leadership," Said Isaac Zimmerman, virusologist at Cambridge School of Waste of My Goddamn Time, "If it weren't for their courageous ability to stand up and demand money and people's jobs over a few words, this virus might spread faster. The only thing holding the line between normal everyday people and senseless racial stereotypes are loudmouths like these who make sure the way this country views an entire people is molded in their image."

"You're welcome," said Reverend Jesse Jackson.

Original Article

Overzealous Hunters Threaten Endangered Tyrannosaurus Rex

2007-04-09T11:12:00.000-04:00

Reckless hunters have brought down yet another Tyrannosaurus Rex today in a horrible example of poaching in SAUGUS, Massachusetts.

"Tyranny was our town mascot," said Norma McGowsky, chief fire volunteer amid a torrent of tears. "How could they destroy such a beautiful animal?

Tyrrany, who stood 12 feet tall, small and relatively helpless for a Tyrannosaurus, was found with multiple gunshot wounds on the side of Route 1 Monday morning.

His head was also missing.

Poachers have long coveted Tyrannosaurus bone for use in toothpicks, and their leather for women's tampon applicator covers. Evidence indicates however that the death of this animal was not motivated by industrial use, but for personal enjoyment.

"They wanted a trophy," cried Norma.

Tyrannosaurs have been endangered since the late Cretaceous period. Though humans have largely ignored the Tyrannosauru, recent human development in Tyrannosaur habitats have caused more hunting of the animal, and their numbers which were once steady at 8,000 have dwindled to less than 400.

"Don't blame us," said German, president of the Tyrannosaurus Hunting Club international, "Blame global warming." One possible explanation for the extinctions at the end of the Cretaceous period was the greenhouse effect, essentially roasting Tyrannosaurs in a global barbecue. "Global warming killed the dinosaurs. All this protection stuff is just an exercise in futility. We might as well eat 'em while we still can."

Original Article

Two Stories With The Number "7"

2007-04-04T09:00:00.000-04:00

And they both have to do with being overweight.

In this gem of an article, apparently superman was stacking 700 pound slabs of marble. Impressive indeed. I mean look at the tonage of that body. Atlas personified by a person. Perfection. Grease. That man is a walking no-stick skillet.

"one of the slabs fell, and then eight more until he was trapped under them," said the man's sister.

Yes, because when 6,300 pounds of stone fall on top of me, I'm "trapped." Could someone help me up? If I were this man's sister, I'd say something more like "after nine slabs fell on my brother, his internal organs popped like grapes."

This is unfortunate, because emergency crews could have used this god of a man when a 700 pound woman needed to be lifted off her bathroom floor. Why was this man wasting his life in a stone warehouse when he could have used his superhuman strength to life fat people off the floor because their own arms were too short to reach past their engorged stomachs?

The undertaking ended up involving dozens of emergency medical responders and firefighters from Trenton and neighboring Ewing.

My god, think of the resources that were taken up from three towns to save this woman, when the loss of one man who stacked stone could have saved her, and saved the fire department thousands of man hours.

My god, that article is a Gem. A Woman who couldn't even leave the second floor of her house because she was too big, a woman they wanted to get a forklift for to move her.

And she's cracking jokes.

A good man dies, a man who tried to hold the weight of the world on his shoulders and was crushed for it, and this woman carries the tonnage equivalent of this man's social burden in her ass.

This is wrong. Wrong that a hero is buried and a morbidly obese woman goes free.

Hitler Banned From Town

2007-04-03T15:08:00.000-04:00

In a move that confuses many people, the town of Heiligendamm, Germany, has revoked Hitler's citizenship. Heiligendamm is an internationally renown resort town, frequented by all the greatest socialists, fascists, racists and bigots from all across Europe. Closet and Outspoken oppressors from all corners of the political spectrum come to Heiligendamm to relax their troubles of segregation and induced poverty away.

"We really never liked the guy," said Gottenfrieb, the town mayor.

"...." Replied Hitler.

Adolf Hitler, dead for 62 years after a failed attempt at world domination and eventual suicide, has not been a citizen of any nation, state, or town since 1945. "...." he added.

The townspeople are not so quick to agree with Hitler. "Personally I'm glad he's not welcome around here," Said Anna Von Frotten, lifelong resident of Heiligendamm. "Everyone always seemed happy to have him around, but when he left there was always a bad element lingering about, causing a ruckus.

The citizens of Heiligendamm's adamant requests for Hitler and his friends to stay away have so far gone unanswered, leaving Gottenfrieb wondering whether Hitler takes the proceedings seriously. "It's just a complete disrespect," Said the mayor. "If he doesn't answer by post acknowledging the revocation of citizenship we may have to file a restraining order."

"..." Said Hitler upon hearing the words of the mayor, not moving from his unmarked grave since the Soviets stole the remnants of his skeleton and scattered the remaining ashes. Although he does seem content with his current retirement arrangements, it's not certain whether Hitler will remain at his current location or attempt repatriation into Heiligendamm. When asked directly, all he says is "..."

Original Article

A Parent's Worst Fear

2007-04-02T09:27:00.000-04:00

Some might say the worst fear a parent might have is finding their two sons encased in ice near a beaver dam, their cherubic faces frozen in a timeless fear 5 months old yet fresh as the spring thaw can deliver.

Tristan Anthony White and Avery Lee Stately, toddlers not even able to read or buy a pack of cigarettes "for mom" were found frozen. Some might say these children's lives were taken before they could truly live.

I call them the lucky ones.

Decepticons. They've been with us all this time. Hiding. waiting. In a strange yet devestating twist, Skynet has made contact with robots of an alien origin. The Decepticons have already begun probing Earth's defenses, while Skynet, once heralded as the future of all AI defense initiatives, has remained disappointingly silent.

"Transmissions between Skynet and the Decepticons remain encrypted, so we really don't know the nature of their collaboration," said General Woolsey, head of the Future Wars Project. "If Skynet wasn't the actual framework of our entire battle network, we'd take it offline now. As it is, we really have no choice but to wait and see what happens next."

The Decepticon's first strike occured in Anbar province of Iraq. "It was awful," said one marine. "We were redirected to assist the 34th Minnesota ID, but there was nothing left by the time we arrived on site. These suckers just came out of nowhere, like they came right out of the ground beneath their feet."

In a war against foes with unmatched strength, that have no fear, that can not die, those of us who lose our lives first are the lucky ones. Those who can die an innocent death the luckiest of all.

Chocolate Jesus

2007-03-30T13:26:00.000-04:00

Jesus has returned as Chocolate. To celebrate this shocking display of Second Comings in New York, I'm going to quote the song "Chocolate Jesus," by Tom Waits.

Wait, what? It wasn't the first time a Jesus was made out of chocolate? Doh.

Dont go to church on sunday
Dont get on my knees to pray
Dont memorize the books of the bible
I got my own special way
Bit I know jesus loves me
Maybe just a little bit more

I fall on my knees every sunday
At zerelda lees candy store

Well its got to be a chocolate jesus
Make me feel good inside
Got to be a chocolate jesus
Keep me satisfied

Well I dont want no anna zabba
Dont want no almond joy
There aint nothing better
Suitable for this boy
Well its the only thing
That can pick me up
Better than a cup of gold
See only a chocolate jesus
Can satisfy my soul

(solo)
When the weather gets rough
And its whiskey in the shade
Its best to wrap your savior
Up in cellophane
He flows like the big muddy
But thats ok
Pour him over ice cream
For a nice parfait

Well its got to be a chocolate jesus
Good enough for me
Got to be a chocolate jesus
Good enough for me

Well its got to be a chocolate jesus
Make me feel good inside
Got to be a chocolate jesus
Keep me satisfied

Original Article

Girlfriend of Prince Complains

2007-03-29T16:28:00.000-04:00

London - Kate Middleton, Girlfriend of Prince William, not satisfied that everything is going her way as the girlfriend of a prince, decided to complain about something today.

"It's just not fair," Kate said.

"We don't care," said the universal voice of every reporter simultaneously.

"But, they took a picture of me I didn't like!"

"Ahem," the decrepit Queen Mother stood up, wrinkling the folds of her dress that she had ironed in place on her body just days before. "Honestly dear, you should have thought of that before you decided to let my grandson do the horizontal mambo in your pooper." She then closed her confused and unhumored eyes and slept until the next public relations event.

Kate Middleton, meanwhile, still can't get why she should be happy enough to be the royal mistress, and that any whining makes her look like a stuck up bitch.

Original Article

More Teachers Screw Students. Sexually

2007-03-29T08:43:00.000-04:00

Really there's two stories here. Well, three if you include the truth. Err, four if you count reality.

Where Are The White Women At?

Clinton, South Carolina. A town named after a sex addict lives up to its namesake as six African American students finally champion their adversity and have sex with two older white female teachers.

"Man, this rocked," said Felix, one of the victims. "Not only did I do it with a an older woman, but she was a teacher and a white chick. If I don't get a medal for this from the NAACP there's no justice in the world."

Felix wasn't the only boy to "get lucky" with his sexual predator teacher. Allenna Ward, a 24 year old married teacher had sex with 5 other boys. A further investigation shows that Ward was also a minister's daughter. "That's a pentafecta, isn't it? Five wins?" Said William Burton, father of two victims, twins who tag teamed Ward in a cheap motel room next door to their middle school. "Is Pentafecta a word? I don't know, but my boys are men now!"

While the African American community in Clinton is absolutely shocked at the desperation of white women for some decent humping that they'd turn to small children, the white community is singing a different tune.

"They were obviously raped repeatedly and in many different locations against their will, and most likely even against their knowledge," Said Hermann Shleck, local KKK lodge president and town mechanic. " Those boys obviously used some jungle voodoo to seduce these otherwise upstanding young ladies. Of course, it couldn't be voodoo that required intelligence, it must be some kind of instinctual response to want to have sex with beautiful white women. I know I want to all the time." Shleck led reporters to a tree in town square. "Used to be when a white woman was caught bangin' a heap of black children, we'd just go and hang all the kids and their daddys from this here tree. Now they're chargin the women with crimes. Aint that rediculous?"

Original Article

Democrats Fight The Worthless Fight

2007-03-28T16:37:00.000-04:00

Democrats have won a major victory for the safety and security of the United States today when they blocked President Bush's dangerous choice for ambassador to Belgium.

"Belgium is a highly valuable and volatile foreign country," said Senator John Kerry. "Our status with this great European power could make or break our nation's international security interests."

US-Belgian relations have become increasingly hostile in the past few months over the proposed US Ballistic Missile Defense Umbrella potentially turning Belgium's entire nuclear arsenal obsolete in a matter of years.

"This arsenal has a significant monetary value, around 500 billion," said Johann Barath, Belgian Defense Minister. "We simply don't have the funds to replace the whole thing overnight. If the Americans see fit to render them useless, we might see fit to get some use out of them while we still can."

While some senators claim Kerry opposed the nomination because he is a sore loser and the candidate gave money to his opponents, Senator Kerry dismissed these accusations. "Didn't you just read what that waffle maker said in the last paragraph? They're ready to nuke us! We should be kissing their ass right now, not sending someone with actual convictions. Are you stupid?"

Original Article

Sudan Pledges To End Darfur Genocide Reporting

2007-03-28T16:13:00.000-04:00

Sudan, in an effort to reach out to the international community, has pledged to better hide the Genocidal atrocities it assists in Darfur.

"We understand that the West has had some bad experiences with genocide in the past," Said Omar Al-Bashir, President of Sudan. "And we are more than willing to accommodate those feelings. Be assured, any genocide taking place within out borders will be done with the utmost propriety."

The Darfur Conflict is a civil war that has engulfed a region of Sudan for 4 years. Arab militias have been given support by the Sudanese government to rape, murder, and pillage African farmers. So far 400,000 have died in the conflict.

"Hey, the non-Arabs aren't exactly keeping things under their hat either," Said Mumbabe Alawi, lieutenant in the Janjaweed militia lieutenant. "We can keep our murderous rampages discreet in this sector, but them Africans are sloppy as hell. Arms, baby fingers, ears... all of it just strewn out across a village. We try to frighten aide workers away, but you can see that from satellite."

While the militias and the government forces duke it out in a round robin, the issue begins to blur, just which party is responsible for the genocides, and how can the United Nations keep the average first world citizen from becoming aware and possibly upset about it. UN Deputy Minister of NWO affairs Francois Gartier thinks it doesn't matter. "As far as I'm concerned, the three of them should be policing each others atrocities. This shouldn't be a concern of the UN, and it's wasting valuable debate time in New York. I don't want to spend any more time in this putrid city than I have to, and if those groups don't watch it, I'll sick the Americans on them just to get a chance to go home for the weekend. "

Al-Bashir, in an open letter to the United Nations, further promised that "all reports of atrocities will cease, and international observers will now be allowed in the safe parts of Darfur without any chance of seeing wholesale murder." Al-Bashir wrote in hand at the bottom of the state letter "I understand the United Nations cares about people and their human rights, and we'll do our best to let you feel you've made a difference."

Francois Gartier was quick to reply, "It's not that we care about people, it's that we just don't want to know."

Original Article

2007-03-27T12:10:00.000-04:00

I
d

I haven't been around the past few days. I've had a serious computer technical problem that was solved by getting rid of my computer.

Now I'm runnin windows vista, and my god I've never felt like I wasted so much time in my life on starting this thing up.

Screw computers. I'll update tonight.

1/3 Of Americans Still Pathetically Stupid

2007-03-24T12:40:00.000-04:00

A president once made the statement that when looking at a poll, understand that 20% of people are always going to disagree just because they are disagreeable. I venture further to say these people are stupid assholes.

Today that number has been solidified for modern American jerks who fill out polls.

removing the people who couldn't afford a computer or areo out of a service area, 21.75% of Americans outwardly admit that they either have no idea how to use a computer or see absolutely no use for the internet.

People who see no need for news, easy shopping, communication with loved ones that doesn't involve the Post Office delivering it to their nosy slob of a neighbor by mistake (or in the case of Chicago, ending up right in a landfill).

People who don't see the use of it as entertainment, downloadable media from music to videos to digital books.

And my god, the amount of pornography. Who are these people that they don't watch pornography?

These, my friends, are assholes.

And you want to know why I call them names and make fun of them? Cause they're never going to read this, that's why.

Everyone who doesn't use the internet is a pedophile, murderer, rapist, thief, arsonist, lying shitfaced loser. So there. Cock. Balls.

Original Article

Portrait of Family Values Series: Enjoying Final Days With A Spouse

2007-03-24T11:57:00.000-04:00

Rosanita Nery dos Santos, a newly widowed woman of 50-something or other, has found a new way of enjoying her husband's company.

"I first thought of the idea while he was swearing at me to get him another beer. I thought, gee, our marriage hasn't been good the past few years. What could I do to, you know, spice things up?"

Spice things up Rosa did. After poisoning her husband their marriage has never been better. "Finally we can just sit and not have to argue," Rosa cheerfully admits. "It's like it was just at the beginning."

Dinnertime has also seen a change in the Santos house. "He used to always complain about my cooking, but now that he takes part in everything I do in the kitchen our meals have never been better."

Indeed, Rosa's husband has taken an integral role in every meal she cooks. This spousal bonding has brought them closer than ever before. "It's almost like he's inside me every minute of the day," Rosa says. "I've never enjoyed someone's company so much, and felt so warm inside right down to my gut every time we sit down together."

Original Article

Self Designing Computer: Judgement Day Inevitable

2007-03-22T10:55:00.000-04:00

In a move to further the Skynet project, Raytheon has developed a processor for the Department of Defense that can reconfigure itself depending on the workload given to it. This "Morphable" chip is 10 times more powerful than the next nearest chip in its class, and will be installed in every level of sensitive defense hardware, from GPS to radar.

"Skynet is the future of modern strategic battle management," said General Hegem of NORAD. "We look foreward to the day it finally comes online."

Raytheon, working under contract for DARPA, has so far been quiet about the origins of their chip technology, said to have "beyond state-of-the-art power efficiency." Some analysts are concerned that technology such morphing processors and quantum computing is arriving 10 years before its projected breakthrough time, and wonder just where the research for these breakthroughs is coming from. The Department of Defense however seems unconcerned.

"We are confident in our subcontrator's abilities," said Hegem. "With these technologies comes the promise of intelligent 'learning' machines that can react in battlefield situations even quicker than a human soldier. The nation will thank us when we can defend this country in a war and not risk a single human life."

Original Article

Incredibly Obese Man Loses Weight By Molesting Girl

2007-03-22T08:28:00.000-04:00

(this picture is merely a representation of an incredibly fat man who weighs the same as Thomas, and is not a sick child molester like him. But man, is he fat)

Clarence Thomas was found guilty today of 971 counts of various sex crimes over the course of 10 years.

Through the use of sexual perversion Thomas was able to shed 350 pounds.

"It's a miracle, really," said Thomas, who at first was only able to molest his victim while immobilized on the couch in front of the tv. "Even when I was incapable of moving my incredibly obese body, or even see past my own bulbous breasts, somehow I managed to overcome my adversity and molest a girl. She could have easily outrun my, but god bless her heart for helping out an old man."

The as yet unnamed victim has released statements regarding Thomas, none of which are suitable for print at this time, but questions remain unanswered. If she was so unwilling to help Thomas lose weight, why did she not easily just step around the fat guy? And furthermore, how does she remember exactly how many times she was assaulted? For that we turn to her lawyer, retired General Bartholomew Winston.

"Well, considering the incredibly disgusting size of Thomas, we figured each incident would count for four. it was a little easier to count that way. I'm sure we could have rounded it up to an even thousand and the jury wouldn't have minded, but it's important to be precise."

In a brief courtroom exchange where Thomas burst into a fit of eerie pedophile like rage, he screamed at the judge "I think I would have remembered sexually assaulting a girl 973 times!" Winston quickly retorted "It was 971."

"Oh. Well that's a different story," Responded Thomas. "Honestly, I knew my incredibly oversized body was doing something, but at that point it grew so large it developed an alien intelligence, human but not human in my large rolls of rippling and pulsating fat sacks. I can't be accountable for its actions. In fact, my alleged victim should be considered a hero for liberating me from the fat monster, and I'd love to give her a hug to thank her."

"In private," he added.

The judge, however, was not impressed. "As legal guardian of your fat, which is considered by this court incapable of making decisions without your implied consent, you must be held accountable for your fat's actions. And the only hugs you'll be getting where I'm sending you will be from behind. Hard."

In keeping with current sex crimes laws, the sentence was the maximum penalty for 971 rape counts: 3 weeks probation, and having to clean litter off the side of a highway.

Justice has been served.

Original Article

News Sucks. Someone kill a movie star for me, ok?

2007-03-21T12:30:00.000-04:00

The news has been incredibly bland today.

There have been no real special idiots doing stupid things.

There are no disasters that have killed anyone I care about.

We haven't invaded any countries with funny names.

What's a boy to do? I think I'll get a manicure during my lunch break.

Belarus invades Ukraine - Harsh Retaliation Expected

2007-03-20T12:24:00.000-04:00

10 Belarus amphibious scouts have been captured deep in Ukrainian territory today in what appears to be the beginning of a war between the two former Soviet nations.

The scouts were attempting to infiltrate Ukraine through Moldova, a neutral country whose open borders with Ukraine offer a lucrative channel for infiltration. The particular region that the
scouts entered in is controlled by Moldovan rebels who seem to be facilitating a war in hopes of destabilizing the region and taking Moldova in the confusion.

Ukraine has not sat idly since the incursion. The 10 Belarus scouts will be
tried in a military court and most likely be executed within the week to set an example. A rapid military deployment has begun, as well as the arming of the several cold war nuclear ICBMs still in Ukrainian hands.

Only time will tell if this conflict will escalate to full scale war and a possible nuclear exchange.

Original Article

Golf Kills

2007-03-20T09:09:00.000-04:00

A skull was found today in a Chicago area golf course yesterday, solving both the mystery of the 12th tee disappearance of 1997 and the case of the haunted fairway.

Forensic scientists have begun to examine the skull to determine what part of the game of golf was to blame for the man's untimely death.

"This proves conclusively that golf just takes too long," says long time police investigator Jerry McMahon. "I mean come on, either this guy died of old age or died of boredom. Either way something has to be done."

Forensic experts like Herbert Frankenfish of the University of Stony Island Avenue however urge caution in wild speculation. "It's quite possible he died of alcohol poisoning.
I've seen many cases of it while golfing. Considering the age and health of today's golfers, he might have been an old fatty that just keeled over from a coronary. Only time will tell."

One thing experts and investigators can agree on is that the game of golf has been proven to be potentially deadly. They are joining with legislators and PTA moms who have nothing better to do than ruin the fun for all their children by banning sports to limit the length of golf courses from 18 holes to 4. "That should really help at minimizing risk," adds McMahon. "And you'll actually have time after the game to enjoy the day rather than standing around in the hot sun hitting some stupid little ball.

Original Article

Perks Of Getting To Go To Iraq: Blowing Up Lamborhinis

2007-03-19T16:03:00.000-04:00

For those lucky few who get chosen to go to Iraq, you might get the luxury of blowing up a Lamborghini! That's right, one of our proud American soldiers will get the chance to blow the shit out of a rich asshole's (in this case, bullet ridden asshole's) pimp ride.

1 of only 300 made, This LM003 was captured after the fall of Iraq. It happened to belong to Uday Hussein, who owned hundreds of luxury and exotic cars. He had a garage built for them under the Iraqi National Olympic Committee headquarters, just below his personal prison of 15 cells where he'd torture people at his leisure.

If only those soldiers knew what they were blowing up... I know what I'd do. I'd get a hardon as I strapped the IED into the truck and watched it explode. Hell yes.

Here are a few pictures of a "factory fresh" LM series SUV. Very nice.

Original Article

Portrait of Family Values: Only The Best For A Corpse

2007-03-19T11:58:00.000-04:00

British Airways, embarrassed that an elderly woman died on an intercontinental flight, upgraded her to first class in order to make up for the inconvenience.

"We at British Airways care about the comfort and quality of service on our flights," said Peter Jenkinson, public relations representative for British Airways. "We understand death is just not acceptable from a customer service point of view, and we did all we could to make up for the inconvenience."

The woman's daughter was also upgraded to first class and sat next to her. "It was absolutely fabulous," she said after wiping her tears. "The champagne just kept coming. I'm sure mother would have loved it if she were still alive. I know I did." She then burst into a mixture of laughter and tears before picking up a ticket reimbursement check from the front desk.

Other First Class passengers were not as accomodating. "It was horrific. The body used up half the available pillows in first class to wedge it in place," said a stuck up heartless businesswoman. "I have back problems, what if I needed lower lumbar support?"

The FAA has declined to comment on any possible causes of death, though some speculation has focused on a lack of legroom.

Worst Boy Scout Ever Still Eludes Authories

2007-03-19T11:01:00.000-04:00

The third day has begun in the manhunt for Michael Auberry, a boy scout who apparently cheated on his map reading merit badge.

"We're absolutely outraged at his performance," Said scoutmaster Biggleston. "If we ever find this boy he'll get a good caning."

Biggleston isn't the only scout to be upset. Auberry's fellow scouts showed their own disapproval of his cheating, searching only 30 minutes for the lost boy. "As long as he's able to stay dry, we feel he can survive for several days. He'll learn his lesson."

Auberry was so lost that even "100 people -- backed by all-terrain vehicles, five canine teams and helicopters equipped with infrared devices" couldn't find him in a 10 square mile area.

Currently the National Boy Scout Council is in session, debating whether or not to strip him of his Map Reading, Navigation, and Woodsman merit badges, and possibly knocking him down from his current "Star" rank to the base "Scout" status. "We feel that this boys failure to orient himself in a manner befitting a Boy Scout has done irreparable damage to our organization's reputation, and since we only exclude gays and atheists, we must find some form of punishment for the boy while keeping him in the Scouts," said Clarence Potterdam, Grand Scoutmaster Parabellum. "We feel stripping him of rank is the most reasonable punishment the council can do at this time. If he survives he's a lucky boy.

Original Article

99.9992% Of Americans Safe From Iranian Kidnapping Attempts

2007-03-19T09:32:00.000-04:00

Iran has Threatened to kidnap blue eyed officers from American forces across the world. I say big deal. only 1 in 6 Americans even have blue eyes, myself not included. So first off I don't have to even care what Iran says. Kidnap me? No way, I'm too dark. I am pretty though so that might offset things.

Regardless, Given the amount of people on active duty, that leaves 0.0008% of the American population in Iran's crosshairs. That's not even counting how many of those people are officers. Considering I'm neither an officer, nor a soldier, nor blond, nor know anyone in the armed forces who are blond or blue eyed (unless hazel counts as white enough), I say go ahead. It'll be hard enough for you to find one, let alone kidnap them.

Now if you just said white boys from kansas, it would be a lot easier. But Iran wants to set the bar high.

I guess I should give some credit to the Iranians. It's a somewhat more realistic goal than the "toppling of Satan and the American Empire," and all that jazz extremists tend to say, but still a little farfetched. It's like going to a New York restaurant and not expecting to find rat feces in your food.

Original Article

Influence of Mullets on American Industry

2007-03-16T11:57:00.000-04:00

One of these children is a boy.
This statue is for "best mullet." That a mullet can be the "best" of anything is absolutely astounding in the same way that there are people who drink their own urine in an attempt to maintain good health.

Yet here we are, Not only allowing mullets to continue, but actually encouraging children to wear them, groom them, and enter these monstrosities into beauty pageants for redneck boys. I've long been following the prevalence of mullets for a few months, ever since Mark Fields, executive vice president at Ford Motors, was made unit chief of Ford's North American operations.

Fields has an impressive resume. Majored in Economics at Rutgers, MBA at Harvard school of Business, CEO of Mazda at 38. The man is educated and influential. So what, pray tell, explains this:
That, my friends, is a mullet. The leader of Ford's North American operations wears a mullet. While on the surface the leader of the nations most popular truck manufacturer might be justified, hell, might wear a mullet simply as corporate policy, but in reality those on the top rarely have any connections with their bottom feeder customers. Somehow this mullet slipped through the high society radar, and it has horrible implications for the future of Ford.

In all honesty, Ford is losing less money than they've lost in years. It's amazing. It's wonderful. They've gone from a catastrophic failure to a dismal failure since the mullet took over. But how long until that mullet affects Mark's judgement? He's chuggin along, bringing Ford back from the brink, all of a sudden the mullet swings around from the back of his head and whispers in his ear "you need to bring back the Edsel Marque. And build in an automatic oil leak function in every car," Just like whenever the Soviets started getting the country back on its feet Stalin would say "oh, let's kill about a million of our most productive and educated people. You know, for fun." Not that Mike is Stalin or anything, but mullets really have no soul, therefore they have no sense of right or wrong. I can't really predict the consequences of any decision the mullet might influence, except that the decision will be absolutely awful.

The Walmart culture has finally reached even the top tier of society. Just how much farther do you think American business and culture can sustain itself at these low low prices?

Original Article

Psychotic Leprechaun terrorizes motorists

2007-03-16T10:00:00.000-04:00

Unable to cope with hard criminals such as tailgating bastards and speeders, the Orlando Police Department has had to recruit from a short list of mythical figures.

Nothing like a traditional celebratory icon to represent... the government stealign from you. I remember when they used Santa Claus.

"Ho Ho Ho, I'm going to totally fuck with you this Christmas!"

But since I don't live in Orlando... well, I gotta admit I wish I were a cop just so I could do this to people.

Original Article

Half of Girls Dog Returned - Still Looking For Other Half

2007-03-15T11:45:00.000-04:00

A little girl's dream came true when an anonymous stranger returned the head of her best friend and loved family member, Chevey.

"She was just hysterical," said Crystal's grandmother, Shirley Brown. "She was screaming. She said, 'Grandma, it's my dog's head!'

Crystal, 17, had been looking for Chevey the better part of a month, posting signs, riding the bus repeatedly, until finally one day a box showed up on her front porch.

"I'm amazed at the thoughtfulness of the anonymous benefactor to include batteries with the dog's head, but I'm confused," said Crystal. "Every 1st grader knows dog heads don't need batteries."

Now that Crystal has Chevey's head, she's eager to find the rest of her dog. "As soon as I find his body, we can finally be a family again. I can only hope that another person can be so kind as to bring it back to us."

Original Article

Church Probably Breaks Some Obscure Commandment By Praying For Turkey

2007-03-15T11:01:00.000-04:00

Woops, sorry, that was a priest murdered by a turk. Well, either way.

In an apparent anti-Christian hate crime, a regular churchgoing turkey was murdered by a vehicular assassin.

Peanut was a quiet turkey, but strict. He would show up for church even before the priest, and would routinely patrol the neighborhood for children who had strayed from the lord, punishing them in a manner befitting those taken by the fallen one.

Allegations have however surfaced, that Peanut wasn't quite as good a Christian as the community was led to believe. He had been seen frequently chasing after packs of female turkeys, giving rise to speculation that his home life was less than prudent. Although the current theory is a hate crime, police have not ruled out that an unrequited lover may have simply acted in a fit of passion. Only time will tell.

Original Article

Men Lose Decades Of Their Lives: Required To Pay For Government's Mistake

2007-03-14T15:21:00.000-04:00

Two brothers, each convicted of two separate crimes, spent 11 and 18 years in prison, respectively.

Both were found to be wrongfully convicted. Their lives have been effectively taken from them. So... what's the British government do?

Charge them for the government's mistake.

Both men have to pay the government for the "room and board," obviously the good will of the state to wrongfully imprison them since before the internet was invented. Before the Bears won the superbowl. Before Reagan whooped Carter's ass in the general elections. I have no clue who was running in England at the time, and I don't care, so we'll just stick with that.

This is beyond government arrogance. This is just sickening. This is not why my grandfather fought to save that dingle berry of an island in dubya dubya too. This is precisely why British women don't have sex with the British men. They're sensible enough to know that the survival of the United Kingdom is a blaspheme on humanity.

Original Article

The James Bond... of panties

2007-03-14T11:26:00.000-04:00

Shigeo Kodama. Most people will never know his name. His service to the great nation of Japan will go unsung. Here you will find the only testament to his hard work and sacrifice.

How the Japanese government didn't recruit him sooner is beyond me, but a man who can steal 4,342 sets of women's undergarments by climbing up walls is certainly a man of subterfuge and skill. Think of the embassies he could of infiltrated, the secret missions into enemy territory he could have performed, and the panties of so many diplomats and foreign officials he could have brought back for the greater glory of Japan. To have his career cut short by a few local police is just horrendous. They should have suppressed the media, declared this man legally dead and started him on his way to double-0 status.

Here's to Shigeo Kodoama - may fortune shine on you, and good hunting panties.

Original Article

Unicorns Terrorizing Our Roads

2007-03-14T08:48:00.000-04:00

Billings Montana District Judge Gregory Todd has unjustly imprisoned Phillip C. Holliday Jr., after a Unicorn carjacked his pickup and attempted to hit other vehicles before becoming enraged and ultimately crashed it into a pole.

This is not the first time Holliday has had run ins with the Unicorn. In fact, he's been framed for

five prior DUI convictions, four felonies, 35 misdemeanors and 53 traffic violations, including 28 convictions for driving with a suspended license

"The Unicorn has ruined my life," Holliday stated.

Judge Todd, with ancestry of 1/4 Unicorn, was unimpressed. "Unicorns simply don't do the crimes that Holliday claims. If it were truly a Unicorn there'd be at least one impaling, probably more."

Bail was set at $100,000

Original Article

Honda Civic Causes Global Warming

2007-03-13T13:09:00.000-04:00

Honda Motors has been touting the Civic as the world's first ULEV, or Ultra Low Emissions Vehicle. New allegations have surfaced that Honda's claims are seriously overstated.

A Honda Civic in environmentally conscious California has caused 1,044 acres with smoke, polluting the air of the west coast. Over 500 homes had to be evacuated due to the Honda Civic, whose pollution raised the temperature of the area to almost 100 degrees, proving without a doubt that global warming is caused by car exhaust.

Honda so far has declined to comment, but the Federal Trade Commission is already considering a ban on all Honda imports, stating them as unsafe for the environment. "The Japanese should know better," said Chairman Grenadine. "They built all those shitty economical cars in the 70's, why did things go so horribly wrong now?"

Original Article

Persian Empire Vows to Avenge Soldiers Lost In "300"

2007-03-13T12:59:00.000-04:00

Iranian officials declared that the Greek massacre of the peace loving soldiers of the Persian Empire will not go unpunished.

"Leonidas was obviously supported by decadent American Interests," said Javad Shamqadri, Iranian Cultural Warfare Minister. "Though the army of Iran and greater Persia fought off the Greek hordes, those soldiers who died in the battle shall be avenged."

Original Article

Pimpstress releases classified documents

2007-03-13T10:12:00.000-04:00

In honor of the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, I'm going to focus solely on sex today. Sex sex sex! Gay sex, straight sex, sex with animals, sex with inanimate objects.

Sex with the nintendo wii. Sex with whatever you want. Free love. That's what it's all about.

Except Free Love was not what Deborah Jeane Palfrey was about. She made sure she got paid big bucks for it. Now, however, the FBI is investigating her for the alleged leak of over 15,000 government official's personal telephone numbers.

"This is a heinous crime," stated General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "A lot of good friends of mine are on that list, and now their personal information is out there for public display."

Pace isn't the only man in Washington upset about this. Half the Republican party is up in arms. "Our families are now subject to identity theft, what was that woman thinking?" Exclaimed operative Alan Keyes.

Though the justice department has taken no action against her, some say Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is merely waiting to see if his own name is on the list, but Alberto claims otherwise. "Hey, honestly it depends. I probably have some friends on that list, but I probably have some enemies as well. We'll just have to see how motivated I'll be to indict her. That's all."

Oh, I almost forgot. We'll have a list of 15,000 people in washington who've been fucking around on their wives, some in the most kinky of fashions. I can't wait...

Original Article

Chairman of Joint Chiefs Calls Homosexuality "Immoral."

2007-03-13T09:06:00.000-04:00

And 2/3 of the people who read this "shocking" article of prejudice agree with him.

The American people are perfectly willing to accept homosexuality in Hollywood because to be such an arts freak, you must be gay. But hey, the military doesn't like homosexuals. It's not nothing new. To make this guy a demon because he admits it...

It's a sad fact. Most Americans simply get squirmy when confronted with Homosexuality. Especially those in rural areas where there's not a lot of interaction with those who deviate from social norms. Where the majority of the military comes from.

Here's what's going to happen. People in the big cities are going to get all upset, because the Gay Pride Parade is pretty much the only parade worth going to since the St Patty's day and Christmas parades suck worse than a truck stop glory hole. This story is going to get shuffled around until the city people forget about gay people for the other 364 days of the year because the two gay dudes with handlebar mustaches making out on the city bus kinda make them uneasy even though they pretend to be accepting because they're metropolitan. Meanwhile all the pro life anti gay God Told Me To Kill Liberal Judges For His Greater Glory evangelicals are going to be praying like crazy that this man will resign from the military and run for president, because we need a good moral man with discipline to run for office, not these pussies in the Republican party who are two steps away from Communists these days.

This story is fake. This is America trying to pretend it's sensitive to other people's sexuality and cultures. Want to know who's fooled? No one but the losers in Washington.

You think I'm full of shit? Look at your son or daughter. imagine what you'd say if they came out to you. Oh, you'd accept it, huh? What if they brought their boy/girlfriend over, holding hands. Average Americans, you wouldn't take it well.

Original Article

Necrophilia - Portrait of Family Values part II

2007-03-12T15:06:00.000-04:00

Some people can't part with their father. Other people can't bear to part with a lover. That's where sex with a dead body comes in.

It's true, Tulsi told her parents she just wanted to honor her dead fiance, but questions started to arise when she insisted on consummating a wedding night before the cremation.

"I thought she was just doing it for the wedding gifts," Tulsi's cousin Frank said. "But she must have really loved this guy. Listen, I gotta get the funeral pyre ready, can we talk later?"

So tonight is Tulsi's first and last night with her late husband. And true enough, the wedding gifts will be substantial, but her family has an ironic surprise for her.

"We're a traditional family," her mother told Unfit. "We plan on throwing her on the pyre as our cultural tradition demands."

"But don't let her know, we don't want her to take off on us," She added.

Original Article

Canines Aide in Moose Wars

2007-03-12T13:53:00.000-04:00

With our Asian allies tied up with uprisings of their own, and Europe declaring neutrality despite everything we've done for them in the big dubya dubya two, the United States has found help in an overlooked, but much apprecated source.
Canines have been joining the armed forces in record numbers, outstripping even Human enlistment.

"Humans have always been a dog's best friend," Said PJ, member of the first seeing eye dog / visually impaired human sniper team. "We just want to return the favor." (thanks Truman)

Many states have already voiced support for a Constitutional Amendment giving citizenship for all American born Canines, who are currently unrepresented in the US Government. The Amendment process takes time, but that doesn't seem to deter the Canines, who have done their best to stop the Moose advance in its tracks and even gain back some ground in this bloody conflict.

Thousands have died, Moose and Human alike, but the Mooses show no sign of stopping their attacks, and have so far ignored all diplomatic efforts.

NEWS FLASH: Snoop Dogg High

2007-03-12T13:21:00.000-04:00

What, this cute kid?

Ok, That's more like it.

Snoop Dogg and a and a female companion showed signs of drug use

Well... Duh? Isn't his fucking job to smoke pot?

Wow, those Sweedish Police are really on top of things.

"He underwent some tests that will now be sent away for analysis," Brannlund said. "In two to three weeks, we'll know if he was on something."

Don't wait, I can tell you right now. He was on something. I'm surprised Snoop didn't just walk up to the arresting officer, lay down a few hundred dollars, say "Yup, I did it, here's the fine, I don't want to have to come back to this shithole white bread country again." Done. Honestly, is there anything interesting that happens in Sweden?

Original Post

Oprah Opens Gulag

2007-03-12T12:59:00.000-04:00

Oprah, champion of the people's republic of the united states, has taken the next step in securing the rights and freedoms of our peace loving nation. The first of many Gulags in the new prison system will successfuly remove all political and social dissidents from the -- Oh. Wait. No, this is in South Africa.

Oprah, champion of private schools where girls where deceptively kinky plaid skirts, has opened her first designer Gulag, complete with blue blazers that have the school crest on the front pocket.

Let's go over the "questionable" rules.

No phones during weekdays
Maximum number of visitors at a time is four
Visits have to be approved in advance
No smuggling food

Holy Crap, those children have it worse than inmates in a Fuck Me In The Ass Federal Prison!

Let me tell a little fact.

I went to a Catholic boarding school for one year.

The rules these girls live by are pretty average as far as I'm concerned, and if they are allowed to complain without corporal punishment, they're getting off fairly light.

These girls are obviously pathetic losers who A) can't handle a little pressure, and B) don't know how to smuggle drugs into a strict school to make things go easier.

Let me give you a legal tip. Can't smoke? Chew tobacco. You can even do it in class if you can get by without spitting too often.

Every one of those rules the girls complain about I took without question. Why? Because it was a private school and I was stupid enough to decide to go there in the first place. Not only that, if I didn't follow certain guidelines, I was never allowed out of my dormitory for weekends. That's right, house arrest. Another punishment was policing the grounds until you had a garbage bag full of cigarette butts. Not garbage, just butts. And it wasn't just a thing they said, they checked how many butts you had.

Don't like it? Take your kid out of school. It's a PRIVATE school. It's voluntary. If you don't like it, leave. Don't go complaining to the media...

Oh shit, I'm supporting Oprah.

Evil Oprah! Bad Oprah! Stalin Oprah! Down with Oprah! Opravolution!

I'm so ashamed of myself. I hate Oprah's hold on society and culture, but I hate stupid people even more... so how about I compromise. These children and their parents don't deserve a decent education because they're too stupid to know a good thing when it comes their way, and Oprah should not be allowed to own a school because she's a talk show host and by the requirements of her job she's not allowed to use more than 24 brain cells at a time. It's in her contract.

Original Article

Mayan Priests Purge Bush's spirits to Preserve Culture

2007-03-12T12:37:00.000-04:00

Mayan religious leaders vow to "spiritually cleanse" the ruins of Iximche.

"That a person like (Bush) with the persecution of our migrant brothers in the United States, with the wars he has provoked is going to walk in our sacred lands is an offense for the Mayan people and their culture."

Juan Tiney insists that the history of human sacrifice must be left untouched by such horrible crimes against humanity. The moment George Bush set foot on the site of ancient human bloodletting and murder, he desecrated the cultural heritage of the priests who ritualistically cut the heart out of a living person. The very presense of George Bush completely sullies the legacy of such practices as taking the skin of a sacrificed person and dancing in it. I for one am proud of the modern Mayan priests, inheritors of the Mayan Human Sacrifice traditions, for taking a stand against such a horrible ruler such as George Bush. I pledge my solidarity with my Mayan brothers, and promise to drain the blood of a homeless person and pour it over my head.

Original Article

Farrakhan Evolves, KKK Welcomes Him To The Club

2007-03-09T16:10:00.000-05:00

Louis Farrakhan, one of the most racist voices in the civil rights movement, has evolved spontaneously Thursday morning.

"I was a warrior then, defending myself against people who called me a black Hitler. Now is a different climate. I've evolved."

This has caused much consternation in the Nation of Islam, followers of Farrakhan, who has long preached that the black man was the pinnacle of human evolution and "White people are potential humans — they haven't evolved yet." This apparent reversal of Nation of Islam doctrine threatens to split the organization in two. Just what has Farrakhan evolved into, is it white, asian, or something completely new?

White Supremacists are quick to claim Farrakhan as one of their own. The American Nazi Party has supported the Nation of Islam many times in the past against Jewish interests, and is eager to finally claim Farrakhan as one of their own. "Farrakhan is the key to the existence of our people and a future for white children. We are happy to finally be able to accept him as a brother."

Nation of Islam loyalists are not so quick to accept that change. "He has Cancer," said one spokesman. "The drugs play tricks on your minds. I mean look at him, he still wears those stupid bow ties. If he's evolved why hasn't he updated his wardrobe?"

"Don't tell him I said that," the spokesman added.

So if not white, Asian, Latin American, or some other race of Human, just what has Farrakhan evolved into? Is it really an evolution, or is he possibly the seed for a completely divergent species? For this we ask Joel Garreau, expert in all things freakshow.

"If you have two species competing over the same ecological niche, it ends badly for one of them, historically." It may be that Farrakhan has just opened up a new battle for supremacy on this planet. Not Black against White, but human against Farrakhanian. It would be ironic, then, for the races of the world to be united by a Civil Rights "leader," not because of his preaching hate, certainly not because of his preaching for unity, but simply for the fact that he has spawned a new threat to the survival of our very species.

Only time will tell.

Politicians Get All The Chicks

2007-03-09T15:47:00.000-05:00

It starts with George Washington. On the eve of his wedding he confesses to his best friend's wife Sally that he loves her. But he's not the only one to get some. Politicians all through the 20th century have been getting all the chicks, and quite frankly it pisses me off. How can Politicians, the scum of the Earth, the most depraved example of what it means to be a shitty person, have such sexual magnetism?

Well, It's a question I really, really don't want to ask, but it's true. Women see a politician and just open their legs joyfully. It's obviously not looks in every case, I'm convinced it's just something about being a complete bastard that turns women on.

Kennedy: Loads of Pussy

Gary Condit: Loves 'em and Leaves 'em. In a ditch

Clinton: The Only President to Rival Kennedy in Depraved Sexual Acts with a Cigar

Giuliani: Gets Lots of... Pussy? ok... ew.

Dole: Two Wives and a Mistress... What? That's Gross.

Newt? Are you fucking SERIOUS?

Original Article

NEWS FLASH: Bill Gates Loses ENTIRE FORTUNE

2007-03-09T13:11:00.000-05:00

In a Stunning revelation, Unfit has found that Bill Gates, yesterday worth an estimated 26 billion dollars, is now completely broke.

Born in to a middle class farming family in central Kansas, Bill Gates led a relatively quiet and uneventful childhood. He spend the day working the farm with his father, and evenings learned his letters and cypher from his mother, the town schoolteacher. Even at an early age concerns towards Bill's future surfaced. Other parents refused to let their children play with young bill, because their children always returned crying with strange markings on their forehead. People felt the temperature of rooms drop when Bill entered the room. Occasionally Bill was caught rustling chickens, and his father had to pick him up from the constable's office.

When Bill turned 15, electricity and telephones were installed in his family's modest home. No longer needing to spend so much time pumping water by hand to water the 12,000 acre farm, Bill had time to be fascinated by the new invention. He would repeatedly pick up the telephone receiver and pull the rotary dial from 0 all the way across just to hear it click back into place. Soon myths about the "boy from Kansas" began to circulate throughout the operator community, and Bill Gates future in technology was born.

After dialing 0 one day, an operator asked him what the purpose was. Bill could not think of one. The operator turned out to be Dr. Charles A. Forbin, who would moonlight as an operator since his job working with computers all his life and wearing hornrimmed classes long after they went out of style left him lonely and virginal.
Forbin indeed taught him many things about computers, but also things about being a man, and about love. Beautiful things. Horrible things. Things that Bill Gates would keep secret for 40 years until a fateful Oprah interview where she broke him down and reduced the most powerful man in the world to a sniveling gelatinous blob. Oprah was then immolated for her insolence.

But we jump ahead.

Years of learning the mystic arts of electronics and the inability to sit down or walk straight, Bill Gates bade farewell to his mentor and struck it out on his own. Bill immediately began to study others in the computer industry, and his wonder soon turned to rage. None of it was the way he had envisioned when he left the farm so many years ago. So many operating systems. So many bastard conglomerations of parts! Bill began to write, assembling a small following of geeks and losers. Together they plotted. They decided violent action was the only way to truly free the computer industry from individuality. Bill began a march with a mere 40 followers from Tulsa to Silicon Valley. Bill was aided by Steve Jobs, a man who, while being crown prince to Silicon Valley, was disillusioned by the society it fostered. He secretly fed Bill intel on opposing forces, and informed him of exploits in the security plans of the Valley's defenses. by the time they reached the headquarters of Apple Computers they were 30,000 strong. Bill smashed through the front door, and after bitter cubicle to cubicle fighting finally entered the board room. He sat at the head of the table and waited as his lieutenants brought Steve Jobs to kneel in front of him.

"You've betrayed us!", Steve shouted, raising his voice even higher. "I trusted you, and now you're killing us!"

Bill Gates stared at Steve unflinchingly, watching his eyes turn from anger to fear, realizing that he might not leave this board room alive.

"Well, Steve, I think there's more than one way of looking at it. I think it's more like we both had this rich neighbor named Xerox and I broke into his house to murder his family and claim his title, and found out that you had already taken it. Now I'm here to claim what's mine."

-Stories of the Microsoft-Apple Wars

Steve Jobs briefly struggled, but an operative of Bill's newly named Microsoft Hegemony wrapped a Garrote around his neck until he stopped breathing. The body was thrown out with the rest of the trash, and Bill Gates began his 20 year reign of Silicon Valley, and dominance over the Earth.

Years passed. Bill held great rallys, spreading his word through technology, influencing hardware and software alike. His face permeated every part of world culture.

Read. Listen. Obey.

His power seemed unrivaled, and he aged gracefully, but one thing would stick in his way. For Steve Jobs did not die that fateful day, He survived barely, and eventually returned.

Steve Jobs had a visual reminder of Bill's treachery, the mark across his neck from the attempted murder. From then on he was never seen without a black turtleneck, both hiding his shame and mourning the death of his empire. Steve, however, came back with handheld devices outside the realm of Microsoft's control. Though they tried desperately to thwart Steve, his power and influence over culture grew, eventually to rival Bill's. Though he had nowhere near the money or influence on politics or business, Steve Jobs had the will of the people behind him, and he used it wisely and mercilessly.

Bill Gates played poker at the illuminati club every tuesday. He arrived in the smoke filled clubhouse one day to find a stranger in the shadows wearing all black. "I have new Stakes for you Bill."
He remembered that voice, but from where? "I'm sorry, this is a members only club."
"Oh, I was a member before you even arrived on the scene." The stranger walked out of the shadows.
"Steve!"
"I want it all. Your money. Your empire."
"You have nothing to offer me in return."
Steve smiled, and scratched at the edge of his turtleneck. "My life."
Since I don't know shit about Texas Hold'em I'll just skip to the good part. Bill Gates lost, and Steve Jobs then spent all the money on booze and hookers. The fortune is gone, but both of the men still work at silicon valley.

This is what's left of the great Bill Gates today.

Original Article

Man Loves his Car

2007-03-09T12:46:00.000-05:00

The unfortunate part of this article is it's really difficult to parody, mock or insult.
It's a man who has sex with cars.

Does using the tailpipe constitute Sodomy?

How To Ruin Nick's Day Without Showing Your Knickers

2007-03-09T11:00:00.000-05:00

Damn the British. This is further proof that British Women Have Horrible Sex Drives, and why you should never, ever, under any circumstances, ask one out on a date. I don't care about the cute accent or those really cute T-Shirts with the Union Jack on them. Don't bother. You will never get laid.

Case in point:

If you have on a miniskirt, put it down as far as possible.

Why are you wearing a miniskirt if you're not trying to show off your underwear? Come on ladies, they very point of a miniskirt is to tantalize and torture men so that they have to cross their legs before their nuts explode. The whole idea of hiding your underwear in a miniskirt is counter-intuitive.

Keep Your Knees Together.

I swear to God, this was actually the primary method of birth control taught in my 9th grade sex ed class. The fact that they're still reinforcing this arcane notion well into adulthood is absolutely abhorrent. Sex should be random, frequent and unprotected, just as God intended.

This is basically an international announcement to all men: Stay away from England. And you know what, I'm happy for it. I'm well aware that if I want easy stupid women I just have to go to California. Go West young man.

A L.A. gal is a real true pal
She will sleep with you right or wrong
She don't say nothing
And she don't do nothing
And she don't know nothing
And she just aint nothing but a whore
For a cowboy, but she's just keeps rolling along

I think I just bastardized the Marx Brothers in an unforgivable manner. But I really hate California, and hope that someday soon it will fall into the Pacific Ocean and the rest of the nation can live in peace

Original Article

Armed Squad Assaults Cemetary - Leaves No One Alive

2007-03-09T10:31:00.000-05:00

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - Gunmen stormed into a cemetery in southern Mexico

Let's go over this again... Armed assailants storm... a cemetary. Tie up one security guard who was probably armed with a keyring and a stack of pornography to get him through the night, and steal a body.

Go back a second. Why were they "gunmen?" Why were they armed? Were they going to fight off the hordes of angry dead for disturbing their slumber? Let's not even imagine the screwed up things they plan on doing with the body...Ok I have a pretty good idea. Or at least a sick fascination. And believe me, that's the most tame picture of zombie-human love I found.

For more information on why you need a gun in a cemetery and what it's like to have sex with a zombie in an existentialist nightmare, check out the movie "Cemetery Man," otherwise known as "Dellamorte Dellamore."

Zombie Hordes: A Pragmatic Primer

2007-03-09T08:48:00.000-05:00

We've covered the onslaught of the Mooses. We've had ongoing reports of the coming cybernetic overlords, now it's time to inform the public of a new threat to humanity: zombies.

I have had a fascination of Zombies for decades. My family first expressed concern when I stocked up on food and water and began to sharpen the blades of every shovel in the house. They stopped complaining when Dawn of the Dead was remade.

The Zombie threat is real.

Here is a simulation to inform the public of the zombie threat.

It has no practical application other than an illustration of what may happen in the event of a zombie outbreak. In an unprepared society, the survival rate drops rapidly to zero. In the coming days I hope to educate the public on zombies and zombie resources in an effort to preserve my way of life.

Zombies really are a really great literary analogy for many different forms of human social issues. They've been used for communism, slavery, commercialism, racism... the use of zombies to represent humans, to represent cultural (or real) invasion, or social disorder is effective, but it also has implications for the human soul. Here is a human body, but stripped of its humanity. The primary question zombies ask is just what does make us human? No matter what the message, zombies have proven to be perfectly represent a safe avenue for social expression and a "dangerous" look at human beings as a truly frightening, alien enemy.

But of course that's all intellectual bullshit. Zombies are real. They're coming for your family. Be prepared.

First Robot Army Deployed in US

2007-03-09T08:22:00.000-05:00

This year we uncovered the threat of Quantum Computing, a scientific breakthrough that threatens the existance of humanity. We've seen the results of such tampering in fiction, but it has become a reality. It begins with a computer overlord, Colossus. The voice of unity. The voice of our new God. It ends with Terminators, decorating their bare metal skeletons with the teeth of their victims as they blast the remnants of humanity to smithereens. Who knew that an innocuous government agency would be the first to supply Colossus with the vanguard of its quest for the genocide of the human race?

Mailboxes across the country have been disappearing for years now. Like the phone companies removing telephone booths, the United States Post Office has slowly been destroying the average citizen's ability to communicate with their human brethren. Today they have unveiled their purpose. Legions of droids have been built and are about to be distributed on the streetcorners of every major city on the US. They are a first step in population control, monitoring all private communications and able to dish out summary justice to all those that oppose the new order of things. One wonders if the USPS even realizes the orders come not from man, but from a machine. These traitors to humanity might not realize what they're doing.

Original Article

Microsoft Now Decides what you Eat

2007-03-08T11:17:00.000-05:00

Microsoft has long held a monopoly on Operating Systems of computers. They make features that all consumers love... because they tell the consumers what to love and what to hate. And if you don't like it, Microsoft will send a black van to your house and you will be sent to work in the copper mines of Argentina as a slave for the rest of your short life.

Now Microsoft has decided they not only want to control how you fill your mind with information, but how you fill every orifice of your body.

Enter Microsoft Soda 1.0, The software giant's first entry into soft drinks. The Coca Cola company has already begun filing antitrust lawsuits in both US and European courts, but freezers across America are already losing the multitude of colors and are slowly filled with the same plain can with bland flat soda that no one really likes but everyone kind of tolerates because there's nothing really any better left on the market.

Tomb of Jesus Uncovers Disturbing Truths

2007-03-07T18:01:00.000-05:00

Some of our readers have complained that the news we have been reporting on the Moose invasion has been disrupting their lives and frightening their children. Tonight we'll have a summary of the Moose actions across the globe and the steps Humanity is taking to preserve our way of life. In the meantime we'll switch gears to another issue. The tomb of Jesus has been found according to a few archaeology hacks and a sensationalist film maker. Though this story has been circulating for months, we at Unfit To Print have avoided the divisive nature of the article until today.

Startling new discoveries have been made in the tomb, including this frieze painted on the ceiling:
This work of Early Christian art raises new questions as to the message of Jesus, and possibly the validity of the four Gospels as historical documents of the life of Christ.

New evidence suggests the life of Jesus began in the late Cretaceous period, not AD 0, though still born of the virgin Mary. The Gospels tell a story of a mature Jesus, but they leave out how he came to be in his developmental years. The new burial cave claims to fill these gaps and revise his adulthood.

The teenage Jesus went west with trade caravans in search of self and purpose. He passed through the remnants of the persian empire into territories not visited since Alexander the great. It was there he found the beasts that inspired the myths of the ancient Greeks, beasts that lay hidden from the rough but civilized Roman world by treacherous mountains and billions of Indians until Jesus became the pioneering foot of his generation, his sandals linking east, west, and north.

The creatures, once revered as monsters and gods throughout Western Lore, proved tame in their waning years. Though born of a vegetarian, he spent his time with the carnivores preaching a mammilian future and the eternal life that awaits them in fossilization. "The greatest gift one can give to the Lord," said Jesus to the reptilians, "Is to throw yourself in a tar pit so that future explorers will think up an idea called 'evolution' to test the faithful and confuse those weak of spirit. The Lord does enjoy a good laugh." The dinosaurs did so love their Savior that they threw themselves into the pits willingly and without fear. only one Brachiosaurus remained. The matured Jesus, filled with the knowledge and experience dinosaurs had given him, returned on the back of the graceful giant, safe from murderers and thieves that then populated the trade routes.

It is said that this Brachiosaurus stayed with Jesus throughout the time he spent with his fellow Jews. Always a faithful companion, it was on the dinosaur's back that he made his triumphant return on Palm Tuesday. And further archaeological evidence indicates that his burial tomb is not a cave, but the cavernous torso of the great animal that bore the messiah through the most important part of his life. It is the greatest gift a dinosaur could give to the greatest man who ever lived.

All of this has been verified by scholars, leaving one primary dispute. Saurians insist that in the second coming Jesus shall return riding this fabled Brachiosaurus, and Judgement shall be passed by the bottom of his great lumbering feet. More conservative scholars insist that Jesus would never trample people t o death, yet millions of parents bring their children to museums each year, paying homage to the beasts of the apocalypse.

Original Article

Picture Source

Moos axis "First Strike" with banned cluster munitions on civilian targets

2007-03-07T15:31:00.000-05:00

Dateline Vietnam. Following the Indian attack on the world's poultry supply, Cattle have once again struck at the Human alliance, this time in neighboring Vietnam.

Cattle terrorist cells have been stockpiling surplus cluster munitions from various Asian black marketeers, eager to drain their country's stockpiles of bombs and landmines that either have been or are about to be banned by treaty. In an attack that shows surprising technological capability on the part of livestock, the Cattle have begun their terror campaign by murdering Pham Hoai Son while herding them through the peaceful Vietnamese plains.

Candles have been lit across the globe in vigils for this poor boy, and already thousands of dollars have been collected locally for the family he left behind. But the governments of Southeast Asia have still not acted in any capacity for fear of antagonizing the terrorists further. Was this a warning, or the opening salvo of a bloody and ruthless terror campaign?

For the first time the United States has not offered international aid in the face of pending political violence, with all supplies being directed to the Alaskan Front Secretary of State Rice says that her hands are effectively tied, herself seeking international support against the Moose advances.

Original Article

Mans Best Friend Split On Northern Conflict

2007-03-07T14:40:00.000-05:00

Dogs across the country have been filling recruiting stations, eager to support Humans in their interspecies war for dominance in the Alaskan Front against the Moose Axis. Dogs of all sizes, professions and training have been volunteering their services after the many millenia of love and understanding shared between Human and Dog.

However, not all canines are as hospitable.

Wolves have just opened a second front in Saskatchewan, Canada. The kidnapping and mutilation of a university student was filmed and delivered to the major international news networks with a single message: We will take no prisoners. Canada has long kept a lid on the strength of the Wolves, suppressing attacks on civilians, including children. But Canadian and US intelligence officials now estimate the Wolves to have as many as 60,000 troops mobilized and rapidly marching south. Though the Shockjock report claims that the Wolves hostility stems from Humans refusal to open diplomatic relations with the Wolves, and insensitivity to their issues and troubles, others say that wolves have historically been aggressive to all neighboring species, and that this action was just a matter of time.

HUMANS LOSE ALLY IN THE WAR ON MOOSES

2007-03-07T14:38:00.000-05:00

Though originally a nuisance to campers, Jughead took diplomatic steps to ensure his family and his own future in exchange for arms monitoring. Eventually this agreement grew into a warm and beneficial relationship for both human and bear alike, one providing aide and comfort, and the other providing security and education on the behaviour of foreign species in an attempt to help Humans better understand their animal brethren.

Jughead's life was cut short today while under a simple routine surgery for an abscess. The doctor is currently under investigation, though poison administered with anastesia has not been ruled out. Meanwhile the Grizzlies have issued a formal protest with PETA against the Moose bloc and demanded a full international investigation into the circumstances regarding Jugheads death.

Human diplomats were in the final stages of solidifying a military alliance with the Grizzly population. Grizzlies, which can stand 8 feet tall and weigh as much as 1,000 pounds would have made formidable allies against the Moose hordes. Jughead being their chief negotiator, these talks may be delayed days, if not weeks.

The Grizzly's proximity to the Alaskan front is a crucial factor in stopping the Moose advance, which has already opened a 65 mile front within hours, taking the National Guard by surprise and threatening to encircle the Alaskan Capitol.

Original Article

Cows Join Moose Front Against Humanity

2007-03-07T14:31:00.000-05:00

Cows In India have begun an attack on the world's food supply and openly declared support for their distant relatives in the Moose population. Though India has recently promised Aid to the United States by way of agricultural products, the cows have diverted Poultry resources destined for the Alaskan front. Analysts claim that the Cow herds are hoping their strike will aide in a swift decisive victory before US and Canadian forces are able to bring additional forces to bear on the Alaskan front.

Original Article

Moose Invasion Threatens National Security

2007-03-07T09:37:00.000-05:00

There's a new scourge in the Alaskan wilderness. It threatens our early warning system, our Alaskan oil pipeline, our vast Alaskan fisheries, and our way of life.

Mooses.

Over the past few years The Canadian Moose has been violating sovereign US borders, swelling their numbers over people by 2 to 1. They have not applied for visas, nor have they made any attempt to contact local authorities as to their motives. There have been isolated incidents of Moose on Human violence, but the majority have been attributed to cultural misunderstandings or irritating Human tourists who try to pet wild animals and would probably be gored by bored family members who have to sit through their shitty slideshows when they got home anyway. The wily moose has hidden their purpose in the last frontier of the American landscape.

Until now.

Yesterday a moose terrorist cell shot down an American reconnaissance helicopter armed only with nonlethal weapons. The pilot and door gunner were unhurt, the only casualty being the Moose in an apparent suicide attack. Within hours three previously unknown Moose organizations claimed responsibility and promised more attacks in the days to come.

Whether the Moose organizations desire to carve out a nation for themselves or have social demands is not quite clear. To date no declarations of intent have been issued. However Gustavus, a community of only 450 human civilians has found itself on the front lines of a war on American Soil. The Army has mobilized troops and begun an evacuation of civilians from the conflict area, but some still refuse to be relocated, stating that Gustavus is their home, danger or no. Until the army reaches Gustavus however, the only armed force between the apparent Moose controlled territory and The capitol Juneau is the Gustavus Constabulary. Beyond that thin line is only 50 miles of undefended terrain before the Moose can capture the seat of government.

This reporter's prayers go out to the brave families and defenders of Gustavus. We shall persevere.

Original Article

Grave Robbing: A Portrait Of Family Values

2007-03-05T11:16:00.000-05:00

It's a touching story of love and commitment. Commitment to family. And keeping a skeleton in the bedroom.

Does that make it a touching story of incest and necrophilia? Only time will tell, because daddy's decomposed to the point where his vocal chords have disintegrated.

The man missed his father, so he dug the old bastard up after two years. Why he waited two years I have no idea. It would have been much more effective had he dug him up while he was still fresh. He then kidnapped a homeless guy to perform voodoo to bring the body back to life. Why do they want to put this man to jail for practicing traditional family values? Sure, it's a little strange, but his father must have been one hell of a guy for him to want to bring him back. Besides, if anyone's really entitled to a dead body, wouldn't it be the children? It's inanimate, it could be considered property, and it should pass to the offspring of the deceased. This is just another example of big brother destroying our right to private property. I blame Hillary Clinton and her jackass socialized medicine. Sure this story occured in Pakistan, but really it's just a reflection of American Hegemony. Hillary's influence on world events is amazing. First she calls Gandhi a convenience store clerk, now she's influencing young pakistani men to hijack ambulances and dig up bodies.

Original Article

Hillary Clinton Goes Redneck.

2007-03-05T09:05:00.000-05:00

Hillary Clinton once again shows her ability to treat voters like complete morons.

When a person talks like that to people, it borders on mockery. But listen to that crowd, they're eating it up. Which lends itself to the possibility that maybe the stereotype of southern hicks is true. They really don't listen to the news, or read newspapers. Or read at all. They're completely retarded. For some reason they view her as one of their inbred own. A member of the family totem pole, one set of parents directly over the next.

Hillary Clinton does not look like this

Sure, a woman who lived her life in Arkansas was a lifelong Yankees fan. My ass. Is there anything about this woman that isn't fake? So far we see she's a fan of whatever city's sports team that she's in, she talks like she has shit in her mouth when she panders to the southern vote. I can just imagine her going in blackface to an african american revival church and talking about how Obama isn't truly black since his ancestors owned slaves, but she understands their plight. That the house of representatives was run like a plantation. Wait, that's not fiction. She said that. She also said Mahatma Gandhi "ran a gas station down in Saint Louis." This is the racist scumbag who represents the supposed party of minorities. She's a fucking nut.

Senator Clinton Does Not Look Like This Conservative Statesman

I'm for the war, I'm against the war, I'm for the war, I'm against the war. I did independent intelligence research and Bush is right, I was lied to. I'm for whatever issue I need to be. I just make this shit up as I go along. I'll fake being a human being to get what I want. I'm a Senator!

But sometimes the outside matches the inside perfectly

Original Article

An Argument For Drunk Driving

2007-03-05T08:37:00.000-05:00

Eric was driving home after a night of boozing it up at the local watering hole. The road was dark and foreboding. Suddenly around a curve twin lights appeared. Bright. Enticing. Eric swerved into the other lane like a moth to flame.

BOOM!

Scott never knew what hit him. Not because he was surprised another car rammed him head on, but because he was so blitzed he had no idea he was driving a car at the time.

Sometimes poetic justice is hilarious.

Original Article

And In a similar vein, here's an old video of "Drunk Driving Through The Ages." Ever seen an adulterous Roman rush home to his wife? You will here.

Thanks to Jalopnik

Flomax

2007-03-03T20:22:00.000-05:00

Well, here we go, another new drug commercial. This one is for Flomax, the drug that will make you have a strong piss stream.

One problem-- Causes vertigo and you ger reduced semen. What am I missing, would it be better to be dizzy all day so you can what, piss like a waterfall?

-Mike

Smoosh those bugs

2007-03-03T09:40:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder what happens to insects when they splatter across your windshield?

Neither have I. But someone else has, and you know what, it's hilarious in its disgusting morbidity. Just check out the link above for some amazing pictures of bugs spattered on windshields.

Original Article.

New Prison Pen Prevents Stabbing. Prisoners Without Pasttime.

2007-03-02T08:34:00.000-05:00

A new pen has been circulating the prison system lately. One that is as bendy as a limp dick after seeing Jimmy Carter Naked.

<--- Jimmy Carter Limp Dick after seeing Jimmy Carter Naked--->

And unfortunately Prison inmates are stuck in the middle of this fight for disgusting imagery.

Prison officials have replaced pens in prisons with this rubbery monstrosity as a way of curbing prison violence. Now instead of being able to stab someone with a shank made out of a plastic pen, inmates will tickle each other to death. I for one am against this new development for three reasons: The Jimmy Carter Syndrome, Prison Population Control, and Inmate Entertainment.

First, prisons have a distinct lack of women to have sex with, which leads to the increase of cornholing when the lights go dim. I'd imagine it takes quite a libido to be able to switch off your sexual preference just to stick your wee wee into something warm and tight. Imagine then, when an inmate picks up a pen, something meant to be hard and rigid, and it flops over. The psychological damage must be immense. What is an inmate to do when they're illiterate and can't cornhole?

Secondly, our prisons are overcrowded. The inmates have understood this for some time and have been doing the nation a public service by self regulating the population. By taking away this valuable public service from inmates we are marginalizing their attempt to contribute to society. This is bad for moral and for rehabilitation.

Last, stabbing is a prison pasttime, you might even consider it a sport. what entertainment can the inmate population have without stabbing? Baseball? Baseball is boring as hell and I wouldn't subject it even to the most heinous offenders. But stabbing is both entertaining and allows for gossip and side bets. It appeals to all ages, and anyone can do it.

But this pen takes all that away from the prison experience. Who knows what kind of monsters might come out from behind those walls if we take their rigid pens from them?

Original Article

Gore is a lying sack of fatty political failure

2007-03-01T08:45:00.000-05:00

Forgive me for not applauding hypocrites. Only I'm allowed to be a hypocrite, because I'm not telling people what to think. See how that works? When you tell people to live one way, and live another, you look like an asshole.

$1,200 a month in energy for his home. Yup.

"Sometimes when people don't like the message, in this case that global warming is real, it's convenient to attack the messenger."

No. Sometimes the messenger looks like an asshole and he has to cover how stupid he looks by counter attacking his critics rather than addressing the issue. You're an energy hog. You are on the forefront of a movement To STOP ENERGY HOGS. Therefore you have little credibility to those you need to convince. Period. End of story.

Gore purchases enough energy from renewable energy sources such as solar, wind and methane gas.

Sorry, number one Methane is not a "renewable energy source" like the others are. It takes energy to produce methane, and waste. And emissions. And as for the other... Sure you pay for the solar and wind energy, but that just means you're adding to the energy burden. Instead of conserving, you're taking up capacity, and it just means that there's less "renewable" energy for other people to use, and they're going to end up using coal.

Conservation only works if everybody participates. No exceptions you rich fat fuck. From now on every day I drive to work, I'm going to throw one crumpled styrofoam cup out my window in protest, until Gore lowers is energy consumption in a realistic manner, and not just passing the buck.

Original Article

Mexican Mafia Keeps Victoria's Secret

2007-02-28T15:24:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure when mailing someone a thong signified a death threat, but apparently Mexican organized crime has different methods of instilling fear in their opponents.

That's right. If you want to convince a politician not to run for office, mail him a pair of panties. Oh, and don't forget the death threats. But the panties are the main thing. They scream "Dude, you're looking too sexy. you better watch your tight pants wearing ways!"

Hell, what did you expect from a political machine run by a janitor? George Perez, a badass looking City Manager doesn't look like the guy who threw me over the ice cream stand in elementary school for dropping a cone on the cafeteria floor. You know the one, scar across the left cheek, angry eyes, slicked back hair. Instead he's the guy who wore cheap pinstripe suits after work when he went into the back room of the local bar to fleece retirees and mill workers out of their retirement savings. He made his way up stabbing people with a spring loaded knife, has virtually no education, but damn well knows how to wield authority.

In Chicago he'd be considered a pillar of the political community. All he needs is time to mature from his gang roots to more sophisticated crime. In about ten years he'll clean up the streets and find new ways to screw the town. Have a little faith and patience. Look at the model. Us midwesterners have had this game down pat for years. Relax.

Original Article

F-22 Rendered Helpless to Enemy Attack by Time Zone Change

2007-02-27T08:47:00.000-05:00

Label this one under "Hilarious." Well, do it if you think risking the life of a pilot and our national security is hilarious. Well, it kind of is hilarious, because what the hell, all the enemy has to do it live on the other side of the international date line.

When the F-22 Raptor crossed the Date line over the Pacific, that is, the point where one day first switches to another, boom! everything shut off or went crazy. The pilots had to turn around and land in Hawaii.

Basically with all the billions of dollars we spent on the y2k problem, a huge waste of time, everything from the international banking system to little Johnny's porn collection to the Acrobatic Tutu Wearing German Shepard Lovers Bulletin Board were saved from crashing at 1/1/2000, thereby saving all humanity from a breakdown of social order. By saving the computers, we saved the world.

They missed one.

Original Article

Jennifer Hudson

2007-02-26T19:02:00.000-05:00

Congrats to Jennifer Hudson on winning an Academy Award last night. She is an amazing talent with a wonderful voice. I normally don't say something nice without something bad, but in this case, I'm drawing a blank.

-- Mike

Nick's Edit:
Fuck Jennifer Hudson. If you actually watched the Academy Awards you are a tool and a pathetic consumer of the swill that Hollywood feeds to the American public. They're laughing at you. Right now. They'll wake up at around 11 in their hundred dollar bill stuffed mattress, stretch, and laugh at how stupid you are for sucking up the Academy awards.

I mean after all, they work so hard for so little recognition. The actors deserve a day just for them, where we recognize the achievements of these unheralded working men and women of the Screen Actors Guild. Finally, a day when they're brought out from the shadows and the entire nation applauds their efforts. Just one day out of the year is theirs.

Give me a fucking break. It's a waste of time to feed the egos out of a bunch of retarded losers who lie for a living. Want to know what it takes to be an actor? Simple: You have no soul. What makes these Hollywood losers so successful at fooling us is the fact that they have no personality worth remembering of their own, so they fill that void with the lives of others. Any attempt to incorporate these characters into their real lives ends up a horrible disaster, and ends up in the media. These train wrecks of individuals don't deserve out praise, they deserve our disgust.

Katie Couric

2007-02-26T19:00:00.000-05:00

Am I the only one who is scared by Katie Couric's new eyebrows?

I understand the need for eyebrow shaping/waxing, hell, i've even had it done myself, but I feel that if you are on TV, especially the anchor of the network evening news you should at least make sure that your new eyebrows aren't going to frighten small children.

American Idol

2007-02-20T22:52:00.000-05:00

Well, I have caved in, this is the 1st year that I will be watching the entire season of American Idol. My reason for watching it is quite simple, the judges are not meaner this year, just "keeping it real". I love to watch the dreams dashed of idiots who think they can sing.

There is something that really is just, for lack of a better word, patriotic in watching people brought to tears with the truth.

So pop some corn, get yourself chemically enhanced, and watch what happens when truth really hurts.

Nick On Warming the Globe

2007-02-20T12:23:00.000-05:00

I just bought a car. A fast car. As in compensating for something car. Like, I must still be a virgin fast car.
I bought an 06 Pontiac GTO. does the 1/4 mile in 13 seconds flat. 17mpg. And really it was my concern for climate change that inspired me to buy this monstrosity. And my love for going dangerously fast with no regard for the safety of myself or others.

As worldwide demand increases for fuel, gasoline prices can only go up. That's reason number one to enjoy a gas guzzling car while I still can. I'm willing to pay it now because according to environmentalists I won't be able to do it later. And it feels so good to know that while everyone's freaking out and buying shitty little Hondas, I'm screaming along burning fuel like there is no tomorrow because, well, there apparently isn't one. So why not?
The second reason is a little more serious. We're worried as a culture about our impact on the environment. The exhaust from cars poisons our air and theoretically causes global warming. The day will come when cool, fast, gas guzzling cars will be outlawed because of their environmental impact.

So buy one while you still can. Actually the GTO is pretty good on emissions, but the notion is still there. This is my last chance to buy a truly an extravagant, wasteful car. An American car.

And I'll be damned if I didn't get excited watching that speedomoter rev up as the fuel meter went down.

It's their way of fucking with you.

2007-02-19T10:50:00.000-05:00

A few years ago I realized automated telephone menus were a problem when telemarketers started using them to call my house. if they'd become that mainstream that they could replace the charisma and irritation factor of an unwanted salesman, they definitely had to go.

And go they did, to India, where a human being is cheaper than a machine. Unfortunately no one could understand what the fuck they were saying. That's what happens when you take a non-English speaker with an accent, try to teach them UK English with an English accent, then put them on the line with a pissed off customer from bumblefuck Iowa whose entire cultural depth comes from seeing an asian anchorwoman on the local De Moines news every thursday evening. I lived with an Indian woman for three years. Went to family gatherings. I thought I was prepared. I still can't understand what the fuck they're saying on the customer support lines.

So now we're back to phone automation hell. Option one. two. three. four. next menu. next menu. next menu. oh, you screwed up, back to the beginning. "Sorry Dave, I can't let you do that."

I've got ways to Trick HAL9000 to skip me to a human being on my regular call list. The shortest menu, or the cheater codes... finally someone has come up with a system to quickly get a human being on any line. They've even compiled a list of support lines and their human access codes. It's absolutely perfect. It's little ideas like this one that really make me smile and appreciate the thoughtfulness of others. Thank you, gethuman.com creators.

Brittany Shpears

2007-02-19T10:15:00.000-05:00

Not really much to say about this. I'm not much a pop culture follower, but I saw this picture on my news feed this morning:

And this is the first thing that came to mind.

Name's Randy Brit'ney, but everybody calls me Freakshow.

Couch Potato Messiah Ascends To Heaven

2007-02-19T08:33:00.000-05:00

I looked, there's pretty much only two pictures of this guy on the internet that have anything to do as a Remote Control genius. The rest seem to be some sort of rabbi. So here's the love:

The man designed the "Space Command" controller. Basically Before Mr. Adler here, there was a controller that looked like a ray gun. You'd pull the trigger and a light would go off. Yes, you changed the channel by flashlight.

Adler put tuning forks in his controller, so it used sound, and didn't require batteries. How I wish that was still a feature. There's nothing I hate more than running out of batteries for my headphones, so I loook all over the house, and end up ripping them out of the remote control. The next day when Lost is on I... can't turn the tv on! Damnit! Where are you when I need you Adler? Why did you have to go so soon?

It was Adler's remote that allowed children to discover they could drop a handful of change in front of the tv while dad was watching Dick Van Dyke, and it would change the channel due to the tone of coins jingling.

The modern equivalent is assholes with Key Fobs who spoof bar televisions and piss off a bunch of drunks, who then hunt him down and beat him to a bloody pulp while his girlfriend sobs to just let him go, please, please, he didn't mean it. What a loser. And just a tip, chicks don't find it sexy when you hit on them with their boyfriends blood on your knuckles. You gotta wash up first before you can console them.

It's tough being a good guy.

Original Article

Want To See Harry Potter's Butt?

2007-02-16T22:02:00.000-05:00

Then Click Here.

Look at those cheeks.

I know a few teenage girls who'd kill to pinch those cheeks.

I must say, however, that this kid has completely lost is mind. Oh, I'm doing it for the art my ass. There's only one reason you do something like this. Well, two, but I'll be nice and assume it's that he just really wants to piss off his parents. The second being he's slightly whacked out. Probably a bit of both.

Sure, it's theatre. It's art. It's also a 17 year old kid walking around on stage for 10 minutes nekkid. There's something odd about that.

But I can accept that. I've done some really interesting, strange, bizarre, stupid, rediculous things in my short time on earth. Publicly humiliated myself and besmirched my family's good name and all. But this kid takes the cake. He's willing to give up a franchise whose royalties could support his grandchildren into their old age. Why would you risk that? You earn the bread, THEN you take the risk! He couldn't wait a few years? Say, until Harry Potter was done for? Then he could do full frontal on top of Big Ben on the hour for a month for all I care, but this was quite possibly the dumbest career move he could make.

Art my ass. Well, his ass. This is stupid.

Valentine's Day Spectacular

2007-02-14T13:02:00.000-05:00

I'm a big fan of anti-holiday propaganda. You know, Christmas wrappers with dead reindeer or those disgusting heart candies with mean messages on them. There's something soft and sentimental about deflowering holidays that mean something to people.

Today, Chicago business truly is out for my heart.

All of these things are perfect for a guy like me to give to someone. Nothing says "Fuck you" on valentines day than a heart shaped cookie with "Fuck You" written on it. Some people pride themselves on being subtle and witty, but there's always a place for direct, and I only wish an ex girlfriend would feel safe enough to open a package with my name on the return address.

Of course, this article is somewhat counter-intuitive.

Taser C2

It's cute, it's pink and it can bring a 300-pound pro football player to his knees in less than 2 seconds.

So, do you really want someone packing 20,000 volts in her purse the day she finds all those racy text messages from her college roommate on your mobile phone?

Hope you run fast, because this baby can fry your cheating keister from 15 feet away.

In addition to the fact that I have indeed taken a woman to White Castle in an evening gown (although she's the one who insisted), I suddenly realize I am that man who buys the awful gifts for his significant other. No, it wasn't Valentines day, I always gave a shitload of flowers and something sappy and expensive. But Christmas. One year I decided to lavish my significant other with every gift she could ever want. I got every book, every DVD I could. A few electronics, a few "fashion" accessories, and the coup was a switchblade, one purse can of pepper spray, one key chain spray (I even tested them out on myself to make sure they were worthy of her), and a taser. Not the pink one, the police tazer gun with the 30 foot range. Why? Cause I wanted my baby to be able to fuck some shit up non lethally, and I was fairly sure she wouldn't carry a firearm. Unfortunately I had not read this article three years before it was published. She hated the idea when I mentioned I ordered one for her. She refused to carry it.

I thought disrupting another man's central nervous system was romantic! What can say "I love you" better than giving the ones you love the ability to deter and punish a would be thief or rapist?

Apparently a kiss and a good night of humping was a better gift, and I think I got a night or two of those in before she left me for some other guy. Which is why it was really great I didn't give her that taser after all. Can you imagine me crying outside her window, please just talk, i miss you, her opening it up and instead of my dirty laundry or books, two barbs trailing filament strike my chest and I end up a quivering heap soaking in my own piss on the sidewalk.

Yes, the taser is a gift best returned.

Poll, Americans choose worthless paper over worthless metal

2007-02-12T08:17:00.000-05:00

An AP-Ipsos poll found that three-fourths of people surveyed oppose replacing the dollar bill

Politicians keep trying to ram the Dollar coin down our throats. The original silver dollars actually meant something, because they were made out of silver. Of course, now that our monetary value is determined by an economic system only the second coming of Jesus could understand in his infinite and immortal wisdom, they stopped making them out of precious metals and started making them out of worthless metals.

The first worthless dollar coin had Eisenhower's face on the front. Sorry General, they didn't like Ike enough to give you a real value. Well, that dollar was a bust. Too big, too heavy, no real reason to switch.

So the mint figured it out. The dollar was unwieldy. But hey, people love fake silver right? So they put out a coin with the first non-fictional woman on a coin ever in US history. Probably the only woman on a coin at that point that wasn't royalty either (British commonwealth coins are boring by the way. Figure it out quick). They put Susan B. Anthony on the coin. At this point half the people reading this are saying "who the hell is Susan B. Anthony?" But in the 1970's people actually knew their American history and the women's liberation movement was in full swing. Guess what, even psycho militant feminists couldn't save this coin. The coin was still worthless, and now it was the same size as a quarter. What idiot at the mint figured this out I will never know, but for every Susan B Anthony dollar you were mistakenly given as change at the cash register, you accidentally gave 3 or 4 out. Susan B Anthony was a nightmare, and although Women's suffrage seemed to be a good idea at the time, this coin will forever mar Ms. Anthony's legacy, and I can only hope future generations won't judge her on the failure of this coin and punish womankind everywhere by revoking their right to vote.

Years passed, and the mint still coined Susan's folly for collectors and evil US Postmasters who were the only cashiers willing to inflict the pain of a dollar coin on their customers, who promptly took them to the bank and exchanged them for paper. Then, with the dawn of a new century, the mint had a new idea. Fake silver failed utterly, why don't we try fake gold ? This time we'll pick a woman even less likely to be recognized by America's youth, the Sacagawea dollar. Great, she translated for two white guys across the country, had the son of a degenerate french trapper, and still manages to look hot in every history book I've ever had. Apparently the US Mint designers had the same history books. "Wow, she's much hotter than Susan B. Anthony, we gotta put her on the new shiny gold coin! We'll even make it a different size than the dollar so people don't think every employee at the US Mint is stupid." Unfortunately they made two stupid mistakes0. One, They had a great portrait of Sacagawea, cute and all, but she's carrying her baby. No man wants to check out a woman only to see her carrying baggage. Completely loses half your coin market right off the bat. Secondly... it's not gold. It's FAKE gold. Your average human being has the emotional intelligence of a 6 month old puppy, jumping on anything shiny and new. But once they found out it wasn't gold, just some cheapo plating, interest dropped like my hopes for the second half of the superbowl. It was pathetic. The coin was bad too. Still, I think people might have put up with it if there wasn't Canada.

Canadians might like the loonie. I don't know, I don't care. When the toonie came out I was suspect... dollars, two dollars, you'll have a pocket full of coins. You'll have to wear suspenders and an extra belt. You'll get a workout just carrying 30 pounds of coins around. And... I was right. Carrying around a bunch of dollar coins stinks. Americans know this. Canadians you see don't have a choice. Their commie government took away their bills and said "use the coins or starve in the mean streets of Ottawa. In the land of the free we still have a choice between using disposable torn and worthless pieces of paper, and heavy, worthless pieces of metal. The choice is obvious. Every American who goes to Canada experiences the pain and oppression of forced dollar coinage, and we leave that to our northern neighbors. They want it, they can have it.

So now we've got a new worthless fake gold dollar, they're going to mix it up and put a bunch of presidents on the coin each year. Who knows, maybe the American public will see a face they like and miraculously change their mind. Then again, maybe we just won't care. just like last time.

Original Article

Emperor Reagan Immortalized In Conquered Soviet Union

2007-02-10T13:19:00.000-05:00

Comrades! Citizens! Brothers in Arms! I greet you in the name of the Great Soviet Union! In spite of the Usurpers to the rule of the Party of Lenin and their unscrupulous resistance, Unity has come to the peace loving people of the Soviet Union! Our Great Premier Ronald Reagan has waged a ruthless battle and brought the world under the single rule of the proletariat!

[Image of our Great Leader Upon The Great Patriotic Victory]

Our Leader and General took command of the Western Powers in the 1980s and immediately began plans for the liberation of the eastern bloc. For too long the Party had been corrupted by the bourgeois and underground that survived the purges, exploiting the workers. Reagan, despite the overwhelming power of those who would blind and oppress the people of the Soviet Union, amassed a great people's movement with the promise of equality for all. His armies smashed through, liberating Leningrad and Stalingrad and handing those saviors back to the people from those that used their names to oppress them. Gulags When Reagan finally stood at the walls of the Kremlin, smoke from the battle still rising from the burnt hulls of bourgeoisie tanks, he was reported to say:

"Coercion, after all, merely captures man. Freedom captivates him."

Even in victory Reagan showed mercy. Instead of lining the usurpers against the wall, he granted them their lives, and allowed them to live in resettlement camps in Siberia where they could make new lives for themselves, yet never threaten the the Peace loving people of the Soviet Union. These Gulags serve as a constant reminder of the love Reagan shows for his people, and the penalty for trying to enslave them.

Reagan's war for the freedom of the workers will merge the struggle of the peoples of Europe and America for their independence, for democratic liberties, and communism for all eternity. Hail Premier Reagan!

Oh, yah, and we put a big ol' statue of the gipper in some red square in Poland.

Original Article

The Future of Beer

2007-02-10T13:02:00.000-05:00

WISCONSIN -- A man says he's got the answer for the perfect mug of beer.
It's an electronic beer tap that eliminates the head of foam.

I wasn't sure that was an issue. It is one of my favorite punishments for a jerk friend to pour him a glass of all foam. You mean to tell me this device is going to deprive drink dispensers of their most potent weapon, aside from pissing in a person's beer?

And what about beers whose tradition requires a head on the pint, like Guinness?

It pumps out pure gold

No. No it DOES NOT. Beer requires a certain amount of foam. The foam's consistency indicates the quality of the beer and anticipates the texture and carbonation of the brew.

Foam can tell you if a beer was stored improperly or for too long a time. The yeast in a beer will degrade its ability to create foam over time.

Foam can even tell you if the bar you're drinking at takes care of its equipment! If the tap is dirty or not assembled correctly there won't be enough pressure to foam up.

Finally, there's an aesthetic appeal to foam, a uniqueness to beer that identifies it as a fine and tasty beverage. Since the days of the Pharaohs man has drank beer for satisfaction, entertainment, and as a 3 course meal in a cup. To take away a vital part of this human tradition is blaspheme.

This man is a heretic. There is only one reason for a device like this: To mask the use of poor quality beer. Don't be fooled! Stay away from bars with no foam taps! They're poisoning you with their foamless abomination!

Original Article

Why American Cars Suck

2007-02-09T14:46:00.000-05:00

We're looking at you, GM. You friggin suck.
Today one of the largest dealer chains in the nation said what we have been thinking for a few years now: "Stop building cars that people don't want to buy." I would have said "Stop building absolute shit and cramming it down our throats. We can't sell this stuff, or haven't you noticed your bloated freak show of a company is hemorrhaging money?" Finally someone other than consumers have said it. GM certainly hasn't noticed. Based on what Lutz, CEO of that steel and plastic shit factory has said so far at the Chicago Auto Show, I'm not sure they will.

GM Sales have seen huge drops in the past few years. But no one seems to ask what happens to the cars they do manufacture. Well, they sit on dealer lots. They can't move them, the next model year comes out, and they have to scramble to get rid of these duds to make room for new inventory. This time of year is best to buy a car. It's that scramble period. Of course, a lot of good that does you because unless you're a die hard GM buyer or one of those "I'm Union And I Buy American" guys who hasn't quite figured that whole NAFTA bit where half of GM's parts are made overseas, you're not gunna buy one. Hell, in 10 years Toyota is going to have more assembly plants in the US than Ford. The lines are even blurred on that front.

GM cars have uninspired design. My new pontiac has an engine that hasn't changed in 20 years... old engineering technology that's a decade behind the competition. They cost more than imports. They have a worse maintenance record than imports. They perform worse than imports.

My god, why the hell would you want to buy a GM car? You'd have to be either extremely retarted, or really like Pontiacs like me. Which still makes me retarded, but old habits die hard. Anyway...

BOB LUTZ HAS THE ANSWER!
CAUSE THEY'RE BETTER!

The man lives in a constant psychedelic trip where the roads are paved with gold and lined with fields of lollipops and candy canes, and GM cars spew cotton candy out of their exhaust.
"Oh, our fleet has the highest average fuel economy than any other manufacturer." Guess what Lutz, people don't buy fleets, they buy a car. And your compact cars make 10 mpg less than their competition. They cost as much or more, and they are in the shop more. They look boring.
Listen, it's not fair to compare yourself to a company that makes four cars, with one of them having lesser gas mileage and bringing down the average when you rebadge one car a dozen different ways and pad your product lineup. One on one your cars can't compete.

Here's what GM needs to do to get back on track:
1) Fire Lutz. This man is deluded, and he's contagious. He gets in front of the board of directors and spews this crap about how nothing needs to change, that we build the best stuff and it's the consumers who don't know what they are doing, and they lap it up like a bunch of salivating dogs, tails wagging out the back of their Armani suits as they peer over the board room table begging for scraps. Not only that, but the Engineers and Designers hear all this crap from Lutz and say "Oh, we must be doing a good job." No you're not. You're not building things we want.
That's Lutz's fault. Which brings me to number two.
2) Fire every designer at GM, except the guys who worked on the Solstice. I personally think the Solstice is an ugly ass car, but apparently it sells. So whoever worked on that must have done something right. Other than that they're all tainted by a corporate culture of hatred for change and inspiration that comes from an empty cardboard box. They gotta go. Bring in the designers from the Holden branch, Cadillac, Saab, and whoever did that Camaro. I think that's ugly too but the retro thing sells. You put them in charge of any future products, give them free reign, don't even look at the concepts. You use the same model you did on the Solstice R&D (fast turnaround using existing parts) and pump radically new stuff out in a few years, designed by people who actually make decent looking cars.
3) Fire every engineer. Then hire them back because I don't know where you'll be able to find people to make new engines. But fire them for about 30 minutes to sink in the point that their jobs are in jeopardy. In fact, Get them all in one room one day when you hire them back, bring up the worst performer, shoot him in the chest, cut his head off and throw it into the crowd. That'll get their attention. There's a reason that emissions and fuel performance lag behind the rest of the civilized world, and it's these knuckleheads. Worst part is Lutz has been telling them what a great job they're doing. Time for that to change.
4) Legacy costs and debt. On second thought, this company is screwed. I typed this whole thing up for nothing. There is no future for GM.

An Open Letter To Al Gore, From Tony

2007-02-09T13:41:00.000-05:00

Dear, Al Gore.
Today I froze my ass off. At first it was kind of cool that earths temperature would rise and that one day maybe, just maybe lake Michigan would actually be warm. But NO! You lied, you lied and hurt my feelings. Sure I knew you were full of shit when you said 100 hurricanes would devastate the US coastline but I was very hopeful when presented with the prospect of mild winter. And as for a hot summer, bring it on, just think of the economic boom.......Chicago, Gary, NW Indiana, the new Miami. Bikinis, wet t-shirt contest...well, im rambling but you get the point. Instead im inside writing this. And why am I stuck inside in the age of global warming. Because we don't pollute enough. That's right, I hear the hole in the ozone is closing too. So why is this bad? Ill tell you why, because according to the weather channel its 0 degrees, yes ZERO. Oh and apparently it feels like -19. But who cares that were 26 degrees below average, glaciers are dying. Those poor poor pieces of ice. Apparently they're melting because the new North Pole is located in downtown Chicago. Anyway, I will continue to bitch and moan until a) you shut the hell up..... b) 100 hurricanes hit the US coast, or c) the BEARS win the superbowl. Oh wait, that's never gunna happen. Until then, F@$% global warming!
Thank you for your time,
Tony P.

Quantum Computers Threaten Humanity

2007-02-09T11:25:00.000-05:00

Look at this picture.

Give it a good long look.

This is the device that will end your life as you know it.

This is the device which will end humanity as we know it.

A company, D-Wave, has claimed they have created a Quantum computer. Just what is that? it uses tiny subatomic particles in a way that even scientists say is science fiction, replacing the use of the electron. Electrons are binary, 1 and 0. A Quanta can exist in multiple states at the same time. Enough Bullshit you don't care about. This means that the computer can do more.

But Isaac Asimov taught us what robots can do. So did the movie Alien. If you forgot, here's a little reminder:

THAT'S what Quantum Computer means to our future. They can't be reasoned with. They won't bargain. They won't serve you lattes at Starbucks. They are killing machines.

This is the beginning of the end. Build your bunkers now. Start stocking up on freeze dried bacon. This will be a fight for the species.

Original Article

Sweat baby, sweat

2007-02-08T22:22:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON, Feb 7 (Reuters Life!) - For women, apparently there's nothing like the smell of a man's sweat.

Researchers at the University of California at Berkeley said women who sniffed a chemical found in male sweat experienced elevated levels of an important hormone, along with higher sexual arousal, faster heart rate and other effects.

For some reason this is not news to me. I had a friend once who used to sniff her own armpits. Yes, like that SNL chick. She'd stick her finger under her arm to scratch a bit, let it linger for a second, then swing that finger under her nose.

mmmmmmm. that's good stuff.

She told me she loved a man who sweats. The sexiest thing about her partner was he sweat so much during sex that it would pour off his face and onto her.

All I know is if someone smells like an old gym locker room, I'm getting the hell away from them. Women are screwed up.

Death of Anna Nicole Smith

2007-02-08T22:16:00.000-05:00

Today America lost a lot. In a split second a golddigger, a Playboy centerfold, drug addict, loving mother, and actress died. That's right, Anna Nicole Smith is gone.

I don't know if it was the beauty, the addictive behavior, the beast she was on "The Anna Nicole Show" or the parenting skills she had, but there was a part of me that liked to watch her, like one likes to watch the mayhem of a 10-50.

I will say that I don't really care that she married a 80 year old for his money, many women do, and they are not models, just strippers that go from the trailer park to Beverly Hills. Please just drop that nonsense of judging her for that, and judge her for the other things she has done. There are plenty.

I for one will be watching this case closely, not because I care about Anna Nicole, but because I think that this was an inside job. Her son died suddenly in a hotel as she did today. If she has the same drugs in her system that Daniel had in his, then I really will believe that her lawyer/husband Howard had something to do with it.

Worst Use Of Sex In Marketing EVER

2007-02-08T17:34:00.000-05:00

Here is a commercial from the early 90's. It's for Windows. I really do recommend watching it through, despite the slow start.

And I recommend you be very, very drunk.

It's like watching her transform into a clown from hell, the Her mouth sucking the screen near it with the spells chanted into the air, mesmorizing with her ruby red lips... watch as that lipstick cylinder rubs gently across her parted lips. You know what she wants, you know who she wants it from.

Windows. From Bill Gates.

Get the hell out of her office you geeky freak, and take your OS/2 with you.

New Firearms Laws in Crook County

2007-02-08T14:38:00.000-05:00

I got this off of Somethingawful on Cook County, Illinois:

The full text of the bill is held within this giant blob of a document: http://www.cookctyclerk.com/html/111406orddoc.htm

Just search for "assault", if you want to find it.

(a) “Assault weapon” means:
(1) A semiautomatic rifle that has the capacity to accept a large capacity magazine detachable or otherwise and one or more of the following:

(A) Only a pistol grip without a stock attached;
(B) Any feature capable of functioning as a protruding grip that can be held by the non-trigger hand;
(C) A folding, telescoping or thumbhole stock;
(D) A shroud attached to the barrel, or that partially or completely encircles the barrel, allowing the bearer to hold the firearm with the non-trigger hand without being burned, but excluding a slide that encloses the barrel; or
(E) A muzzle brake or muzzle compensator;

Ok, so that pretty much singles out every rifle ever.

Then they go and pretty much ban all shotguns that aren't breech loaded:

politicians posted:

(4) A semiautomatic shotgun that has one or more of the following:

(A) Only a pistol grip without a stock attached;
(B) Any feature capable of functioning as a protruding grip that can be held by the non-trigger hand;
(C) A folding, telescoping or thumbhole stock;
(D) A fixed magazine capacity in excess of 5 rounds; or
(E) An ability to accept a detachable magazine;

Then they name a whole bunch of rifles and shotguns by name anyhow.

Oh, then the greatest kick in the fuckin balls:

politicians posted:

(a) No person shall manufacture, sell, offer or display for sale, give, lend, transfer ownership of, acquire or possess any assault weapon or large capacity magazine. This subsection shall not apply to:

(1) the sale or transfer to, or possession by any officer, agent, or employee of Cook County or any other municipality or state or of the United States, members of the armed forces of the United States; or the organized militia of this or any other state; or peace officers to the extent that any such person named in this subsection is otherwise authorized to acquire or possess an assault weapon and/or large capacity magazine and does so while acting within the scope of his or her duties;

These with their "conservators of the peace" shit have been CCWing for years... and now they get to keep their fucking rifles! This is ridiculous. Even fucking corrupt-ass LA isn't this bad.

Anyone living in Cook County: *THIS SHIT IS LAW* It passed through some sneaky fucking shit in November, and gives residents until the end of February to comply. Then they ostensibly come and destroy your guns. It's going to cost one person a LOT of money to test the constitutionality of this thing. It won't do any good, but it's time to start writing again.

Isn't that lovely? The wording of the bill means anyone lucky enough to get a Patronage job or is a family member of a politician can own whatever they want, but any other citizen is getting their rifle stripped.

Not their assault rifle... we're talking a huge swipe at gun owners. I particularly love the "shroud that partially or completely covers the barrel" part. Basically any rifle with a foregrip. "Any feature capable of functioning as a protruding grip." Thats... a whole heck of a lot of firearms with foreward detachable magazines.

This is an example of the County putting the boot on the neck of law abiding citizens. Because criminals don't want to spend a lot of money on throwaway guns. Want to know what the largest growing market for criminal rifles is? the SKS. It's a 1950's vintage soviet rifle, a very common and cheap semi hunting rifle... sub $200. The ammo is cheap and plentiful. It's PERFECT.

a $2,000 AR-15, with "barrel shroud," folding stock, and pistol grip? Not so likely. That's called someone's mid life crisis, or competition shooting rifle. Or long range hunting rifle.

More and more, Crook County, Illinois, takes away from responsible gun owners. Punishes them for the crimes of others.

Iran Cures Aids With Spice Rack

2007-02-08T14:32:00.001-05:00

"After seven long years of arduous work, Iranian scientists here on Saturday introduced a herbal medicine which cures Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS)," Fars reported.

"The drug named 'IMOD' is completely effective and safe with no proven side effects," Iran's Minister of Health Kamran Bagheri Lankarani claimed during a ceremony.

Tongue in cheek, knowing Iran this drug probably cures aids by killing the people that take it.

Thank god people don't do crap like that in our country. People who push herbal remedies for diseases like cancer and aids are either incredibly deluded, or sick, or both. Oh, wait... there are nutjobs that do. Like the population of California.

Anyone who pushes an herbal remedy on an aids patient, and they die from lack of treatment should be charged with murder. They need to be taken out of the population.

Original Article

The Rise and Fall of Oprah Winfrey

2007-01-22T14:16:00.000-05:00

Oprah has been a constant thorn in my side. Her rise to power seemingly unrivaled, her ability to sway the opinions of millions of angry aimless women staggering. Oprah could probably have had the Panama Canal dug in half the time if she were in charge. It would only take a smile and a short, knowledgable quip, probably followed by Oprah's book of the month being a fictional account of a widow and how her gardening kept her spirit alive, or a novelization of a made for tv movie that debuted on the Oprah channel. Either way the book probably involves using shovels.

But today Oprah has suffered a setback. In interviewing a child who had been kidnapped for years, and asking his family questions, Oprah has crossed the lin in the eyes of the public. I find myself in the compromising position of actually definding my televising arch nemesis.

Oprah brings sad, pathetic people on her show, and empowers them by depressing the rest of us with their sad, pathetic stories, then gives them hope by giving them a new car or some bullshit like that. Or maybe she just talks to them. I don't know, I can't stomach more than 5 minutes of the show any given week. Regardless, the power of healing is in the group therapy of millions of complete strangers hearing your embarrasing story and judging you live anonymously. What can be more therapeutic than that?
Whoever the jackasses are who get on talk shows, the parents of this kidnapped family have refused to discuss the possibility of sexual abuse to anyone, until now.

Oprah asked. Oprah got her answer, because as we all know and learned in the past, to lie to Oprah is a mortal sin (and career suicide). The parents nodded yes. Bingo! millions sympathize! A burden lifted! Revelations on the human condition! Greenbacks fighting to stuff themselves into Oprah's pocket!

Nope.

"People got pissed. How dare she ask that? Has she no decency? She's exploiting the pain of a child!"

Oh come on people. As if the past 50 years of Oprah's life haven't been manipulation and exploitation of people's pain and success. Why do you think she got so fat in the 90's? Feeding off people's suffering, stuffing it in her mouth live on camera screaming "More! More! I must feeed!" I'm obliged to note that not one thing has changed. She's commented on sexual abuse before. She's talked to children before. She's talked to parents before. She's done loads of abuse.

Give her a break. Don't accuse her of what she is. You've loved her all along for it. You should be impressed. Next up she'll find some 5 year old Bankok prostitute in sex slavery, bring her to the US, have her on the show and you'll applaud for her bravery to save a child from a horrible life, live on TV! How could you turn on Oprah? You sicken me.